dontwasteyourcancer

big news

2012-03-09T05:55:00.000-08:00

let me begin with some clarification. i am NOT currently pregnant. however, after a clear pet scan yesterday which = no cancer and still in remission our doctor (whom we love) gave us the GO ahead to begin growing our family from three to four. we are beyond thrilled. we are thankful and in awe of what the Lord can do. what a body can do. it can heal. not all the time. we know this. but for me. for our story...it is one of healing. a gift i will remain thankful for everyday for rest of my life.

we will be sure to keep you in the loop in regards to a possible pregnancy and a baby.

until then we will bask in the glory of news we were given yesterday and rejoice in my healing.

i took this picture on instagram yesterday as were driving out of the parking garage at the hospital and because social media is a grand thing. with its faults. i experienced a steady stream of texts, calls, emails, fb messages, and encouragement all day in regards to the news we had just heard. we were thrilled to share with those of you that have walked through the past year and half with us or those of you that just "liked" my facebook status. thank you for that. there is something unique and humbling when people simply care. not because they should or because they have to but because they legitimately want to celebrate with us. that is a gift in our life. a huge body of believers and un-believers, friends and strangers and a far grander community of people around us than we may ever realize. thank you for celebrating alongside us. it makes all the difference.

a fun weekend ahead with friends. my favorite.

let's pick out some bridesmaids dresses...shall we leslie.?

my precious little girl. an update.

2012-03-07T10:51:00.000-08:00

during the monday snow day we started the day in our bed and ended it in our bed.

it was a special day.

the last time i did this was in august. it is now march and it is time for another. this is to help me remember as i have already forgotten so much.

here are some highlights of ava at 26 months or 2 years and 2 months.

you can count to 20. you know all your letters. lowercase and uppercase. you know all your shapes and colors...even grey, cream, and navy.

you often say..."sorry about that." and "bless you." and "oh, we love each other."

you say ava for everything. "ava do it." help ava please." you often refer to everyone else as ava.

you say precious things like: "pick you up." oppose to pick me up.

you sleep with five stuffed animals and two blankets. you ask to be covered up every night when we lay you down. animals include: owl, monkey, ducky, happy feet (penguin), and this super soft pink and white dog. you LOVE your crib. unless you decided to climb out you are not going anywhere.

you usually nap 2-3 hours and go to bed around 8-8:30pm and sleep until at least 8am if not later. about once a week it is closer to 10 or so. you are an incredible sleeper. we did nothing to make this happen...you are just a good sleeper little one.

you love to help me cook and bake. you think muffins are cupcakes.

you can basically say any and every word. if we ask you to repeat any word you are able to do it.

you like to play outside, especially in the backy-yard.

you love all animals and finding the moon every night in the sky before bedtime.

you can "read" the book...polar bear polar bear and brown bear brown bear. along with goodnight moon.

you like to talk about the potty and even tell me when you are going pee or poop but you are not the least be interested in going on the potty. we are not forcing it.

you eat really well and are willing to try new things. but your staples are: pancakes, waffles, bagels, cereal, cheese, mac and cheese, chicken, bananas, strawberries, and veggies. but do a great job eating whatever we eat. you love guacamole from chipotle.

favorite special treats include: ice cream and dora fruit snacks.

you are not the best listener all the time.

biggest issue: sharing, pushing, and running away from us.

you LOVE to read books.

sweet things you have said recently: "mommy your nails look so pretty." and "oh, thank you so much mommy."

you love to watch movies and your favorite shows are elmo and mickey mouse club.

you occupy the time out stairs at least once a day.

when you are not behaving well...man you are trouble. but when you are good. it is so good. you have a gentle spirit and i was worried you be so busy and active that you would miss that. but you love hugs. kisses. friends and your babysitters.

real flexible. has a lot of different people watch her and she does great with new people.

when you use your manners without prompting i feel like i deserve a reward.

you like to play with your kitchen, blocks, play food, and you LOVE to dance.

you have a healthy obsession with every baby you see or hear..."baby crying?" you often say when you hear a baby in the store or in the nursery at church.

i am not the same since becoming your mom. i recently told your godparents that i would go through labor and delivery a million times over because of the intimacy your daddy and i felt as we prepared to welcome you into this world. (disclaimer...i would rather not parent a million kids but we had such a remarkable labor and delivery experience...that i can not think or talk about without getting emotional). i am also anxiously awaiting the news we will get on thursday that we can begin growing our family yet again. praying you will get to be a big sister. you will be the best.

but for now. it is just you. i am so proud of you ava. you are beginning to become a very loving and caring little girl. you love life. you move at one speed and it is fast. you are pretty busy and rarely sit still. but you are getting better at it when we watch a movie or cartoons in the morning. there are many more unprompted hugs and kisses given to mommy and daddy. you love to play and run around. you love older kids and i love to see the awe you have when it comes to playing with older kids. you have the best laugh. i am bias. always will be. but ava you are fun. you are pretty fun and have a personality that attracts people to you and you are only two. i will try and be patient as we see those attributes form and grow into the little women you will be one day. but for now you are no longer my baby. well you are still my baby but mostly you are becoming a little girl. with passion. spunk. energy. and a desire to engage and love people. all this and you are just 2. what a life you have ahead of you. i am humbled and honored to be your mom. thank you for making that a reality.

***PET scan tomorrow. praying for continued good health and the go ahead for expanding our family.***

little mister wright. (wright is the last name)

2012-03-05T09:17:00.002-08:00

i have only thrown a few parties in my life, but my mom always did a great job with throwing parties and paying attention to the little details...so i think it's in my blood. i love it. the colors. the deals. the crafts. the food. the guests. the invites. the joy i get from finding the perfect stickers for .15 cents from big lots or when the grocery store decides to blow up the balloons for free. all that is fun but it has much more to do with the person. the reason you are even hosting a party. for us that reason was our dear friends laura and cliff who are welcoming their first little man into the world at the end of this month. they walked alongside us through our pregnancy with ava. when i threw up 15 times in one day during my first trimester to being at the hospital the day she arrived. cliff actually told the nurse..."i am supposed to be in the room i am the godfather." i have vivid memories of a nurse coming into the room while i was delivering ava and asking..."some guy is here and says he is the godfather and is supposed to be the room." i am not sure if i was annoyed or if i laughed. hopefully i laughed. cliff ended up coming in after she was born and writing her the most precious letter. i remember the call i got from laura when we we had just arrived at the hospital and in tears she told me..."i am sick and i can't be there today." that is a friend. someone who cares so deeply that her joy i was my joy and it has been so obvious since day one that they love ava in a deep and real way. so special because we are not related. but as you know...real relationships know no bounds. our relationship is special. it started with our husbands. justin and cliff met at rockbridge, a young life camp in 2004. justin and i met at the same place in 2005. for a couple years it was the three of us. then sweet little preppy laura came along and joined in. the gift about our friendship is that i genuinely love her. not because our husband's are best friends...but because it is real. we get each other. we are so different and i love that, yet so the same. thankful for her life. thankful we can share being mommy's together. i am so thankful for her wisdom and her life and the way she loves me, justin, and most importantly our little ava. the way to a parents heart is through loving their kids. thanks for loving ava as if she were your own.

this baby shower was even better because i was not alone. a few months back my friend elizabeth and i decided to co-host a shower for our sweet friend, laura. lets clarify. elizabeth and i have only really hung out a few times. but a connection was made...she blogs as well...so check her out at www.emyselfandi.com. i would read it if i were you and i do read it. so it works out. in an attempt to throw a very special party for our friend...we exchanged a ton of emails, texts, pictures, food ideas, great decor finds, and even a nice organized list of who was doing what. thanks e. we are both a little detailed orientated and it proved to keep us on the same page as we planned and talked over the past two months in hopes of having fun and most of all celebrating the wright family and the precious gift they eagerly await. added bonus...we became even better friends through this shower. i love that. she is a new mom herself...so its perfect. thankful for our new friendship.

so here we go. little mister wright and his bow tie themed celebration.

day of elizabeth showed up from out of town and we went at it...food, flowers, decor, balloons, etc.

name tags are a good touch if not everyone at the shower has met before. i got these cute little tags from staples. martha stewart line.

i saw the bow ties on coke bottles on pinterest...they were on glass bottles but i could not find glass diet coke bottles so i went with plastic. mama loves diet coke.

e hooked it up with these incredible cupcakes. ordered from a friend. so good.

we wanted to change it up and bit and do something we had never seen at a shower. so i emailed laura and asked for her to send me some of the things she and cliff had been praying about specifically for the little man. we then attached them to the cookie favors (e got the cookies too) so each guest could be praying for something specifically for little babe. we also spent some time in prayer during the shower. real special.

we had three little cute containers (from the dollar store) filled with laura's favorite candy.

e hooked it up again with this adorable. i loved it. so many comments. onesies with iron on bow ties (from an etsy shop). perfect for decor and then gift for the mom to be.

games. since most of the guests were from out of town and basically preferred to talk and catch up we did two small little games. each guest was given a bow tie with a safety pin to wear and had to not say the five forbidden words...if they heard someone say it they could take the bow tie. most bow ties won. (thanks stef and john for your help in making those adorable fabric bow ties). then a little scrambled word game.

precious picture. i love these girls. how big does ava look?

*the whole group. thanks for driving up to 3-4 hours for some of you to be here. that is friendship.*

is navy in style? what about stripes? laura you are glowing.

cliff & laura you are doing to be incredible parents. we are honored to walk alongside this new journey together. we are in this for life. lastly, thank you for being so in tune with the Lord in your life that you both heard...wait. to wait for a little baby as your best friends walked down another road. thankfully i am healthy and ready to get the hospital and help in anyway i can. but most of all to pray for you and encourage you...even at a little distance. it was a gift to celebrate this little man with some of our closest friends.

ava patiently waiting for cliffy and lala the morning after the shower with bagels for breakfast.

(any questions or thoughts on the shower feel free to leave a little comment love

also elizabeth blogged about the shower today too...check it out HERE)

***

woke up to this. gorgeous i might add.

what i love. right now.

2012-03-03T05:41:00.000-08:00

my sister is here along with her family. things are better when i am with my sister. there is one more by blood and i get to see her real soon too (MI here we come) and then my other sister...a real special bonus when i married her brother five years ago.

so let's share our time together so far. my nephews are here...and ava is in love. this is when i wish more than anything we all lived in one city. not three.

upon arrival ava got a new little matilda jane dress. in love. those eyes...i caught her in a mid concerned face for where jack and wade were...she likes to keep tabs on whereabouts.

then we headed to the park and it was a perfect night for it. pictures are from justin and he is way better photographer than me.

naturally i tried to get into a baby swing and got stuck. i needed my sister and justin to help me out.

my heart. it broke a little when i saw this.

next day we headed to Pump It Up an inflatable jump house and we got a workout. ava was a little uncertain in the beginning but at the end she was climbing up the giant slide all by herself and asking for..."one more time...."

there was some fear of the giant thing that blew hair or its official name: Cyclone Blast. ava and wade were terrified so they watched from the outside with a bit of concern.

great to be with family. i like having my sister close. we got our nails done yesterday in between working for a little and naps (although ava never slept. instead kicked the wall from her crib and shattered a picture. nice). i went with navy on my nails. it's the new black in my book.

chris and justin took them bowling and out to dinner while i hosted a CAbi show. my sister is doing her thing and selling a great line of clothes called CAbi. it was a super fun night with friends and i am thankful for the new relationships that are really beginning to grow in our new home.

off to panera. we are enjoying the rain.

seeing the light.

2012-02-29T06:10:00.001-08:00

the past few days have looked and felt entirely different and new. this past month or so has been tough. feeling disengaged and sad. it took all the effort in the world to just try and attempt to be myself because i felt so different from who i am or who i was or who i am becoming. i guess all those things mixed together.

last weekend a new friend told me that there are seasons where we are the teachers. where we lead and help grow and encourage people around us. but there are also seasons where we are taught. where we take a step back a bit from our everyday norms...for me those norms (aside from caring for ava and being a wife) are meeting with college girls, leading small groups, investing in people and discipleship. it took everything i had to do what i was supposed to do. what i love to do. who i am. i had gotten a little confused on where my life and purpose is found. it is found in what we do or what we give our time to or how we invest ourselves. but that is only a part of it. but not all of it. as a believer in Jesus i think it is far deeper and grander than just what we do. but who we are...i was having a hard time believing that who i am in Christ is enough. i know it is...but believing it to be true and living my life in that truth is a whole other thing.

i think the past month was hard. sad. dark. i think i was a little depressed. working through and thinking about things i had pushed deep inside. sometimes not even pushed away...maybe did not even know i felt that way because our life has been full of so much upheaval and change and newness. i like to be strong or at least pretend to be strong. but i have been so broken of that lie. that strong is better than weak. i think we are both. of course we are both. we can be both strong and weak in the same hour or day or week. the two walk alongside each other but i had kept my eyes on: i am strong. i have it together. i can do this. well come to find out: i am strong...but not all the time. i do have it together some days...but most of the time i don't. i can do this...well in theory i can. but mostly i am weak and He is strong. He keeps me together. He can do it...and because He can do it...He enables me to do it. i am not sure what you believe and that is okay. we can be different. i like that. but i believe i am not my own. i believe my life is in His hands. He carries me. He walks alongside me. He teaches me. He wrecks me. He fills me. He is the author of life. i want all of that.

i have not arrived. but i am moving. i saw a glimpse these past few days as the weather warmed up here in harrisonburg and we ventured outside. took walks. played outside on the lawn at JMU (many college students looking around trying to figure out who had a 2 year old on campus) and met with friends. all i kept thinking was this is life. this is joy. it is all far less complicated than we make it sometimes. i choose joy. i will always choose joy. even when i can't seem to see it or know how to live in it...i will always seek joy. as ava and i were walking home from campus after meeting a friend for lunch...i realized two things. my circumstances and my life have not significantly changed in the past month or week or day. things are pretty much the same. but because our God is good...my heart. my heart felt joy. real genuine joy. i felt like myself. for the first time in a while. not a front or fake or trying to be happy. but joy. you see our God has the ability to change a heart. work inside us. without necessarily changing our circumstances and i love that. i love that so much because it is less about fixing everything and making it better...sometimes life is hard and tough and there is not much we can really do to change it. but our heart. our perspective. our way of seeing the world...that is what makes all the difference.

last month i wanted to choose joy. but honestly i didn't feel like i could. life seemed too dark and too hard. i am thankful for a God that works in ways i do not understand. but because He is for us. He is for you...He is in this with us. whatever your this is.

i could not be more grateful.

side note: february is a dark dreary gross wintery month and it was a big month cancer wise. last chemo. cancer free...all things that should provoke joy...and we had moments of joy. but mostly it was hard to cling to the light. but this season will pass and a new one will begin and He will keep walking alongside us and carrying us when necessary. i am so thankful i am not alone.

melted my heart.

2012-02-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

just dropping in quick tonight because it is late. i am feeling a bit emotional for no specific reason. my heart feels tender. joyful. alive. for the first time in a while. i am feeling more like myself. who i really am. not who i feel like i am supposed to be. but becoming more sure that who i am. in my heart. in my gut...is just fine. some of my favorite girls just left. i stayed up late to find out who won best picture...the artist...not a shocker. though i have never seen it. but i loved moneyball and the help.

just a small story before i sleep.

every night when i put ava to bed...after books, songs, and prayers i lay her down and tell her...

"you are my favorite girl, ava. my most favorite girl."

tonight felt a bit rushed. people were here and it was getting late. since it was past her bedtime we skipped books for tonight and prayed quick. i kissed her and laid her down and covered her up. she always asked to be covered up.

i walked towards the door and said goodnight and as i was shutting it i heard...

"momma, am i favorite girl?" to which i realized what i had forgotten. "of course, baby. my most favorite girl."

then my heart broke with love. there is nothing like your love for your child and in a week and a half we prayerfully anticipate a clear scan and the thumbs up to start trying for another baby. i had no idea the emotion i would have over this upcoming scan. to know that i am still cancer free and that my body is healthy enough to be a mom again. oh, what a day that will be. i actually started crying today in the shower as i thought about what i would write on the blog when (or if) i become pregnant again. realizing more now than ever what an incredible gift and miracle it is to even be given the chance to embark on that journey. as so many people struggle for that reality. i do not take it for granted. i know nothing is a guarantee.

so for tonight i will hold on to that sweet little voice. making sure...momma am i your favorite girl?

out of sorts

2012-02-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

this has not been the best week for the ryder household. feeling a bit behind but trying to cease the moment when possible. so last night ava and i headed to barnes and noble for a seriously sweet night. ava has been on her A game these few days. saying little things like..."oh, excuse me, excuse me..." when she walked through a group of people at the children's museum. or her signature..."sorry about that...sorry about that." often for things she does not even have to apologize for but does anyways. she has some little ava sayings that melt my heart.

or when she gathers a few stuffed owls...just to she can read to them a bit.

or her obsession with "cheers" anytime we both have a drink or anyone has a drink that is willing to "cheers" with her. i am always up for celebrating. whether it is a special starbucks steamed milk or her orange juice at breakfast. i like that ava and i have our own little things. you know you are close to someone when you have those little special things.

we missed daddy. but called him and sent him lots of pictures so he could feel like he was there. before we left i dropped my iphone in the bathroom and did not thing anything of it...i have a case. so it was unfortunate to realize that my screen is now shattered. bummer. so it goes. we headed home and off to bed she went. around 3am i heard her talking a bit in bed. looked at the monitor (why a video monitor is worth every last cent) and something did not look right. she was crammed up against one side of the crib with her blanket and all her stuffed animals. she sleeps with like five animals. went down to check and quickly realized...puke. all over the place. without knowing it we realized we had a little system for cleaning up after a throw up incident. i strip sheets. give medicine. he changes diaper and pajamas. he starts laundry. i rock baby back to sleep. in the dark, rocking, and singing and then i am quickly trying to catch throw up in my hands in the dark. i realize that is gross but anyone with kids totally understands these nasty moments in parenthood. i yell for justin and he adds more clothes to laundry and we clean up. ah, the joys. all this to say our little ava is sick. a little stomach bug, nothing serious according to the doctor since her throat and ears look good. so today she was attached to me and by 6:30pm poor baby she was inconsolable. no movie. or book. or cupcake could settle her sick little soul. she asked me to make cupcakes (jiffy corn bread but she does not know the difference) so i made some quick and she was asleep before they were done cooking. asleep before 7pm and justin asleep by 9pm. it was supposed to family night out...and it was still family night. just not out. i am currently making scarves (thank you for the orders) and about to head to bed early myself. some weeks call for early nights and extra sleep. hoping it is a puke free night.

looking forward to co-hosting a baby shower this weekend. not to worry...the house will be lysoled. that's not a word. but the house will be clean.

night.

trying to figure it all out.

2012-02-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

i sometimes have a hard time just keeping it all straight and together. i like to make lists and plans for the day and end up creating anxiety for myself when i see what the day has. i much prefer a day of sleeping in and going to the park. but i think that is a given for most people. i really am not that busy. i am just working on finding purpose and joy in the mundane things. the things that make our life...well our life. i often get distracted with something and do not give my attention to ava. i get so focused on something and i loose sight of what it is important. but what if it feels like or seems like it is all important? how do you make it work then? i do want to be that person that is like...i am just so busy...i am not that busy. i mean i have things i need to do and things i want to do...i just have a hard time coping with days that seem so full that i miss it. i miss the joy or the purpose or the perspective. i want to have a focus and not just move through life in a constant state of...i wish this were different and this did not take up time or this was not going on. this is life. i know that. i realize that there is room for finding joy and seeing what is good right alongside the parts that i just do not like very much. for example, i do not think cleaning is fun and i wish i was magically showered with make up, hair, and outfit picked out everyday. anyone else?

i recently went back to work. it is part-time part-time. nothing to really...considering plenty of mommas work full time and seem to still clean, cook, and do laundry. not the mention the one hundred other things that seem to take our time and energy. all the things that seem to the fill day, but rarely make the to do list. for example, last week ava peed through her pajamas last night so instead of a quick diaper change it was immediately into clothes, strip the sheets, wash 'um, and then get them back on the bed before her nap. or maybe it is a few little errands...mail scarves, picking up yarn, dry cleaning. but then your husband calls and can't find his brand new hair stuff i just bought him on friday (it is nothing crazy or over the top. just a little hair stuff). so i get to take ava out of her car seat for fourth time to swing into cvs. it's the little things. they are what seem to fill up our days. working on my friends baby shower, catching up with friends on the phone, returning emails, picking up the house. the usual. but this new little job is throwing me off a bit. not in a bad way. i am thankful to be working and utilizing my education and experience. i am working for an agency that provides therapeutic services to children who are at risk of being removed from the home and i am working on making it all work...without going crazy. did i even mention spending time with friends, my husband, or myself?!?

i do not want to get lost in the hecticness of life. no one wants that. i need rest. i want rest. but life does not always seem to allow for it. but i got a glimpse of what rest can look like last year and i think i liked it. so i am navigating my way through...stepping back, reflecting, finding rest, and healing...while keeping up with the endless lists, responsibilities, choices, options...when to say yes and when to say no. i imagine we are all walking down a similar road. no easy answers or simply conclusions...this is life and we keeping trying to do our best.

***side note: in a season of transition and newness i am finding that the tone on the blog. my heart for that matter has seemed a little down and let's be honest who wants to feel down or let alone read about someone who is feeling a bit down. i realize this. i prefer joy and laughter...i do laugh and see many reasons to be thankful...i hope you still see that woven through the authenticity of my heart and the way i share it on this blog. this too shall pass and you better believe i wont be wasting it.

justin got up with ava this morning so i could drink coffee, read, and talk to my friend for a second in peace. i read this in psalms. i finding i am spending a lot of time there right now.

116: 1-2, "I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live."

as i long as i live. as long as i live. as long as i live. that is truth. in the midst of it all...i am never alone.

we did it.

2012-02-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

it has already been one year. one year ago since we heard the words: "libby, you are cancer free. it's gone. i remember sitting in my bed, like i am right now. numb to those few words. the shock i felt over
took any emotion i thought or assumed i would have. the words we had been waiting to hear since we heard..."you have cancer." i did not know what to say or what to do. the emotion came later. i remember driving to the mall to buy a new shirt before we headed to richmond (where we are about to go today) and listening to a voicemail that simply was one of my best friends screaming for joy into the phone. no words. just intense joy. i saved the message forever. often re-playing it to be reminded of the joy and gratitude i felt that day. i was saved. many are not. but i was saved. our story is one of healing. i will never grow numb to that. i was healed. healed from cancer and now healing from the aftermath of that storm. but i want this weekend. this day to be one of joy. although the actual date of 2.18.11 takes place tomorrow, it was on this friday last year that my doctor called me with the news.

rejoice with us & read it again HERE.

weeping as i read those words today. my heart. where i was one year ago and where i am now. my husband's heart and the numbing, quiet joy we felt on that porch on the river. still in shock. can this be true? the cancer is gone? just like our diagnosis changed everything. this day changed everything too.

please celebrate alongside us. what a joy it is to be healed. to be alive. stay close to Jesus. even if your heart is not one of joy today or of healing. He is good. All the time. He is good.

vday love

2012-02-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

i like looking back. especially to last year. not the hard parts...even though it might be necessary at times. i like remembering where my heart was and where it is now. provides me such insight and encouragement. even when it is hard. so i read about what we did last valentines. what joy when i re-read a blog post and i am quickly brought right back to that moment...that dinner on the porch. my family. feeling alive. really alive. this year was the same. something i do not take for granted since i have been feeling a bit low in the past weeks. yesterday was good. life giving. full of energy. excited for a night out with justin. we ate breakfast together. met up at a new nail place for a little pedicure. little aves first time. it went so so...not sure if the place was excited for a two year old to be there...even though i called ahead to warn them. the owner told me as i was paying..."your little girl was loud and noisy"...then proceeded to laugh. either way she is obsessed with her toes. i catch her looking at them all the time.

instead of a dyi sign...we went with one i found for 50% the night before valentines day.

cookie with daddy while she waited

she is obsessed with her little toes. when we ran errands after her nap she would take her shoes off as soon as she got into her car seat and immediately said..."ooooooh, nail polish."

last night ava hung out with perrin and trish. thanks for loving ava so well. headed to see the movie...the vow. justin and i were not in agreement. i liked it. he did not. so it goes.

off to the chop house for dinner. new favorite special occasion spot in town.

one part in the movie stood out to me. to long to explain without getting into unnecessary detail.

he said to her...a little angry...very broken hearted..."we...us...this is not how we talk to each other."

i realized how often my subtle tone or sharp words or passive aggressiveness sneaks into my marriage. i never would have spoken to justin like that when we first met. never. so why...after five years. a little baby. cancer. moves. changes...do i get too comfortable? do not get me wrong...comfort is good. it is a part of how you continue to grow as one in marriage. but i refuse. we refuse to loose sight of what we are about. how we love one another. on a daily...moment to moment basis. we almost lost each other once...i wont do it again. i will only have one husband. this is it. my one chance to love. really love. deep and hard and unselfishly. this is it. do not waste it.

first friend party. a rite of passage you might say.

2012-02-13T05:46:00.000-08:00

the ryder family enjoyed a relaxing weekend together. pop pop came to town (justin's dad). we spent a lot of time eating good food, catching up, playing downstairs, watching a movie, hanging some pictures, and even introduced ava to the harmonica. that happened accidentally and she loves it. pop pop brought justin's electric guitar and he plugged it into the amp and we had a dance party right in the dining room. if music is playing...on a movie, or a stuffed animal, or a song, or the guitar ava is moving. i am thankful for uninterrupted time with my family. we loved having you here pop pop.

***

saturday morning ava and i took a drive 25 minutes outside of town for ava's first friend birthday party. the drive into the country was full of windy roads, farms, cows, horses, and according to ava...even a few elephants. i am much more of a city girl...but i do appreciate the beauty of this new town.

ava's friend, levi had a David and Goliath themed party. his mom made him this outfit for christmas and he has worn it everyday, except the day they went to a water park. it is pretty cute. hence the outfit he is wearing.

listening to a little David and Goliath story time.

scavenger hunt for collecting "pebbles" just like David did.

we had a nice little obsession with this dog that was outside. she would not let it go and stood by the door until we could go outside. however, after a little while it got too cold so we went inside and ava processed to scream. like out of control loud. ah the joys.

to keep it real here...do not let the sweet pictures of ava deceive you. she was not on her best behavior per say. trying to teach a two year old...you can not always get what you want. not necessarily the easiest thing. but fun we had...happy birthday levi!

***

scarves for sale. scarves for sale.

i am finally caught up on orders and since it was 17 degrees here this weekend it seems that winter has only just begun.

some sweet friends who are rocking my scarves all over the country.

email me at libbyryderblog@gmail.com with SCARF in the subject for more details and to place an order.

happy monday.

(i will be back tomorrow with a special valentines day post &

don't miss an updated home decor post on friday)

dropping in real quick.

2012-02-10T11:57:00.001-08:00

ava says...it's friday go enjoy a cupcake.

thank you celebrating one year since finishing chemo alongside us.

enjoy the weekend.

today marks one year since chemo.

2012-02-09T12:02:00.000-08:00

what a difference one year makes. this was not necessarily a year that flew by. it was full of so much change and so much uncertainty. in many ways it was a lot like 2010. the year we welcomed ava into our lives along with cancer. 2011 was a year of celebrating, healing and moving.

now two months into 2012 and so far it is one of healing. pain. sadness. joy. confusion. and fear. regardless of where i am at or how i am doing.

we celebrate one year since completing chemotherapy. yes. yes. yes.

one year down...a lifetime to go.

last year on 2.9.11 it started with this post: this from my husband. do not miss it.

then i posted the news that my blood count was high enough for treatment.

then i shared this glorious news: i had finished my 12 chemotherapy treatments.

finally, late at night i thanked you.

one year later we remain thankful for my healing, that my cancer is gone, and i am physically free of the disease.

i finished with this last year...i miss my hair and fitting in to my favorite jeans. but the day will come when my hair will be long and i will rock my jeans again. just not for today and that is alright.

i am excited to report that i do fit into my favorite jeans & my hair is growing. slowly but surely. see...

a quick snap shot of my hair while i sit in bed and write.

thankful that today was simply spent running errands, working a little, baking with ava, and relaxing.
i like 2.9.12 much better than 2.9.11.

what a joy it will be to return again on 2.9.13 to keep on celebratin'.

goal for next year...longer hair. still fitting into my favorite jeans and maybe a little baby on the way??

finding beauty...even when its hard to see.

2012-02-08T15:25:00.000-08:00

love that we all like to keep it real here. i will never stray from that.

i am currently moving through foreign waters. trying to stay afloat some days. this place of healing and growing and peeling back the layers is like nothing i have ever experienced or known. but it is real and it is happening. the Lord is taking me to the end of myself. my friend angie and i talked it out via gmail chat last night. here are some highlights from my wise friend.

at the end of the day, God is either working IN you or THROUGH you.

and He is working in you, lib. and so that means, that you are here on this earth to please God.so you run after Him, you continue to heal, and hear what God is teaching you.

do not forget that He is working IN you right now...and maybe along the way, He sprinkles people along to hear what He is teaching you... but until then, you are here to please the Lord. and my goodness...this stuff would not be sifting if it wasn't needed.

if God wasn't using it to prepare you, to grow you...i heard a beth moore thing a while back and she said " God is ever after proving us genuine."and she said "God is after turning us inside out to put truth in our inmost parts." you are finally dealing with cancer. you have moved to a new place and are starting a whole new life. a new life with people who do not know your old. which has everything to do with who you are now.you are allowed to deal with this friend. you need to.you cannot pour into others, when you have not let God cut in and pour into you. so the journey continues... ***

switching gears a bit. which is okay i think. in the midst of it all...let's continue to celebrate the small things. like cute earrings. how about a sweet giveaway from my creative friend katie.

hair is a bit crazy in the back.

whether you are buying for yourself or as a gift...there are some real cute ideas for a little valentines day gift. use coupon code "DWYC" at check out for 10% off your order.
just for you.

leave a little comment love on this post to be entered into the giveaway. 3 pairs of free earrings of your choice. nice! winner will be announced friday on the blog.
go check out it all out here:
www.onedelightfulbutton.com

i tend to dislike blogs that...

2012-02-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

only tell you the good stuff. that cause you to feel like you are the worst mom b/c of blank, blank, or blank. if it makes you feel bad don't read it. seriously. some people honestly just have a really good outlook on life. i try to be one of those people. but sometimes things are hard and sad and i just want to pull it together, but i just can't seem to.

so today i am bringing you some truth. i am sad. i cry a lot. i am obsessed with decorating my house right now b/c it distracts me from real life. i have a hard time forcing myself to get ready everyday. i hate running. my basement is messy and i need to clean my house.

see this is why we prefer to read the happy stuff. this just sounds like complaining and sorta annoying. it's like..."pull it together, libby." but let's be real. none of us have it together. even if someone seems like they do...they don't. not below the surface. let's all just be real together. sometimes seasons of life are hard. this is one of them.

playing catch up.

2012-02-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

first off...thank you thank you for the incredible comments and emails that were written after this post. it is comforting to know that i am not alone in this. that we are all a little messy.

***

it was a busy weekend. in a good way. work. leadership. mexican food with our yl team. where ava on her own asked our server for..."guagamoly please." she then proceed to ask to get out of her high chair so she could say hi to friends. two little girls were sitting next to us so she joined them for a bit. she likes having friends. i like that she is social. headed home late. got up saturday and had all of our yl team leaders over for breakfast. justin was ambitious and the night before went to the store and got everything for pancakes. i had to run to the store early on saturday because the coffee he had bought the night before was previously opened. here is how it went...

that was just funny to me. great morning with leaders.

***

then our fridge stopped working. so i brought a ton of food to my friend ashley's house so it would not spoil. put some stuff in coolers. someone came and fixed it and there really was not much to fix...somehow the freezer temperature gauge had been turned down so low nothing was able to stay cold. later that night we went bowling. i did surprising well and ava was hyper. like out of control running everywhere. after we were done a few us hung around and had a little dance party with ava. girl loves to dance. put her to bed and watched moneyball. um we loved it. justin said at least twice...babe, i love this movie. for what it's worth we liked it.

***

got up sunday and felt a little funny but headed to church anyways. where i proceeded to throw up three different times before we headed home. slept. threw up. slept. ate a bagel. tried to lay on the couch with ava while she watched curious george. it was impossible. she was all over me. threw up in the laundry room sink. gross i know. justin told me. threw up a little more. slept. missed out on two possible super bowl parties. thankfully justin and ava will still able to attend. drank some gatorade and went to bed. woke up this morning feeling better but anxious about all that i needed to do for work this morning. finished my progress notes and other paper work and the day began. like five errands later ava is napping and about to do the same. trying to fight the anxiety i have about my growing list of things to do and how desperately i need to clean. it will have to wait. i am attempting to live life with a bit less doing and more being. more present if you will. not defined so much as a doer but a be..er (made the word be..er up. need spaces or else it would have been beer and that would not have made any sense.

***

more to come this week. like a fun giveaway and we have a little something or maybe a huge something to celebrate on thursday. try one year anniversary from my last chemo. WOW.

love him more today than every before. being on the same page in marriage is so key. let's stay on the same page, paragraph, sentence, and word for life. we do not have it all together. yesterday we fought over dumb stuff like..."are you really sick? i mean you were not sick last night." how silly is that. but we got in bed and apologized for where were both fell short. gotta do it. set the pride aside people and fall in love.

p.s still running and i still hate it.

because you rallied around us.

2012-02-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

i do not do this often. but today it felt right. many of you rallied around us. without evening knowing us you came alongside our story. here is another families story.

another lovely family just like ours and just like yours. they continue to be a lovely family...living a bit of a bump in the road. not what they planned. not what they expected. but as we all know far to well...life can change in a second. here is another story of how everything can change...but our God...He remains the same.

Mike Zegarski is the former Young Life area director (same job as Justin) in Naperville, IL. On March 21, 2006 he suffered a brain aneurysm. Michelle, Mike's wife, is currently still on with Young Life staff part time. The past six years have been a journey for the Zegarski family. Since the aneurysm, Mike has made great progress. You can follow his story from the beginning at this blog (http://www.mikezegarski.com/).

This video is an update on Mike's progress and sharing his story. For the past six years, Mike has been able to live at home with Michelle, and their two children, McKaela and Eli. Currently, The Zegarskis are working to raise funds to cover Mike's care expenses to keep him at home, where he is supposed to be. Throughout the month for February, a donor has agreed to match and amount donated to the medical fund, up to $20,000. One of the most beautiful things about Mike and his story, is that he continues to remember Jesus, and His love and grace, and he continues to pray for the mission of Young Life. Mike loves talking about Young Life and the way Christ is moving in kids lives. (written by a dear friend sarah spunt).

let's see if we can rally alongside them and keep Mike in his home with his family. where he belongs.

scratch the plan

2012-02-02T12:17:00.000-08:00

we sang this song a few times last week. (ignore the dumb advertisement on you tube). i would watch it.

but in case you do not have time...here is the gist.

He makes all things beautiful & He is making us new.

i like to keep myself composed for the most part. i do not try too. i mean i want to be real and transparent and genuine. but i just do not want to cry all the time. however, last week i began to unravel a bit. i began for the first time...to really let go. stop trying to be strong. to pretend like i am fine. to rally. to go with the flow. to be tough. to be numb. how do things like this happen without us realizing it?

without meaning to i have begun to turn into someone i never wanted to be. i do not want to pretend i have it all together anymore. instead i am a mess. i mean i am fine. but i am still a mess. does that make sense? i am functioning fine. but my heart. my insides are a bit of a mess. scarred a little. pretty raw. just sad sometimes. not all the time. i just feel like i am carrying a heavy weight around that i am ready to lay down.

i want to allow myself to be weak, to cry, to be vulnerable.

He makes beautiful things. He makes beautiful things out me and out of you.

He is making me new. He is making me new. He is making making me new.

i think i like to keep it all together because in many ways our life is pretty transparent. pretty out there. ministry does that. Jesus does that. friends are in and out of our house all day long. for various things. high school students and leaders and friends. we do life together. it is not just the three of us and i love that. i do not even know life any of other way. i am thankful i am apart of something bigger than myself and my family.

but...

i am seeing how it is hard then in a new place to really be me. i was so scared to move because i knew we would be starting over. new home. new friends. new town. new job and lots of new people. but i think i thought i was supposed to be fine. be happy. be strong. be positive. be okay.

but...

although i am all of those things at different points in the day. it is becoming very clear to me. my husband. many of the people who love me the most...that it is time to heal. to enter into a season of working through. saying out loud. admitting to the world (we will start with my new counselor and my husband) that i am angry i got cancer. i am sad it happened. above all...that it is okay to feel this way and not have to explain why. it is simply how i feel. done and done.

i am so thankful that i believe in God and that He knows the depths of my pain. my hurt. my anger. my tears. my questions. my fear.

so here we go. i have no idea what is ahead or what this means. but i know that in order to move. to become unstuck. i need to heal. to talk through. to pray. to read scripture. cling to it. cling to Him. i am ready to move.

remember when i started this blog back in july of 2010. for two reasons. to keep friends and family informed on my recent cancer diagnosis and to have our story written down for ava. in case one day i was gone and my little baby wanted to read our story. her story too. praise the Lord i hope to share it with one day personally. i recall thinking that maybe i would stop this blog when we found out my cancer was gone...but i kept writing. sometimes for me or for my family or for ava or for you. it usually sucked when i wrote for anyone else than me and my own heart and what the Lord was doing in it. it provides a place to share thoughts i did not even know i had and feelings i did not realize were inside me.

but i think i am realizing why i had to keep writing. for this. for this time. for the post cancer. for the aftermath. for the uncharted territory that is: life after cancer. in many ways cancer was much easier to navigate. they told me i had cancer. told me what appointments to go to. when chemo would be. how i might feel after chemo. what would happen. how my body would change. there was a little bit of a road map.

but not life after cancer. it is a mess of...so you had cancer. that was unfortunate and your life changed forever and now return back to your everyday life. enjoy.

so i buried my feelings and we moved on with life. but now i want to peel back the layers a bit. see what i have been hiding from myself.

i am hesitiant to even publish this post. i do choose joy. we chose joy in cancer. we choose joy now. but life is not always joyful and cancer is ugly and deep and scary. i refuse to remain in this place and stop ignoring what i know is inside.

movement.

2012-01-31T12:52:00.000-08:00

before i begin to write. i must confess i am feeling overwhelmed with everything i learned, experienced, and felt last week. i am still processing all that i heard. all that i lived. all that i shared. it was big for me. it is changing me. Jesus is in the business of change. of newness. of restoration. of desperation. i want to be a desperate women.

i like to grow. i am okay with change. maybe not at the time. but i know things change. seasons change. people change. hearts change. last week the Lord began a movement in my heart. one i have been bearing deep inside for a while now. i thought it was easy to ignore it. to push it deep down where no one could find it. especially me.

but...

i got found out. i am now exposed. i am okay with it.

i want to be in the business of change. the Lord is changing me and changing people around me. specifically those who do not know Jesus and have no chance for life. until someone steps in and shares with them the greatest love story of all time.

the gospel. in a few sentences. it is okay to share what is true. you need to. you have to. if Jesus changed you. if He brought you from dark to light and death to life...shouldn't we at least share that news with our neighbor.

the gospel: God sent His son to the earth. He sent Him to die so we could have life. He rose from the dead and is alive and wants a relationship with you. He wants to live inside you and change you. over and over and over He wants to provide forgiveness. truth. love. joy. LIFE and life to the full.

do you want that? you can have that. it is free. it is for everybody. it is for you. the sin. the shame. the guilt. the pain. He bore the burden on the cross so that you may now be free. free to live. really live.

choose Jesus. not because you should or you think it is a good idea or your grandma was a christian. but choose Jesus because He is the one thing. the only thing that satisfies. satisfies forever. who does not want that?

i have more inside me than i can even begin to share. so i wont push it. i will keep writing. i will keep sharing. all week. all month. all year.

i felt stuck. read it here. but now i am moving. moving towards what i am not totally sure. i know a few things. the Lord is in it. it is time to begin dealing with cancer and i am not afraid anymore to enter this place. the Lord will carry me like He carries me through everything. He knows that i a mom and a wife and a friend and a sister. that i have a life and responsibilities and obligations.

i have never wept over cancer. like crazy on the floor crying so hard you think you might die. can't breath kind of tears. i thought i needed to be strong. for justin. for ava. for everyone. so i kept it together.

few of my thoughts:

i am angry. i am angry i even got cancer.

i am thankful i am healthy.

i feel guilty that i lived and many do not.

everything surrounding cancer is hard to talk about it.

on sunday as i was walking in the hotel lobby to get us coffee real quick and i stopped and spoke briefly with a couple who is on young life staff in virginia with us. he said...looking directly into my eyes. nearly my soul with all the confidence in the world..."libby, you are a walking miracle. never forget that."

i wont forget that. ever. i often times think...my cancer was not that bad. it could have been worse. i need to be thankful it was not worse. how can i even be angry if i am healed. my brain is my own worst enemy. feeding me lies all day.
but...i am becoming unstuck. i am ready to mourn. grieve. cry. rejoice. laugh. be angry. hit something maybe. i need to allow myself to feel. process what i have been pushing away deep down inside.

it needs to come out. i will be stuck forever it i don't.

so here's to Jesus, counseling, and movement.

the Lord wants to change you. move you. take you to places you never knew possible. He is God remember. He can do that. we just need to let go. to trust. to allow Him to reveal things that are ugly and painful and scary.

i am ready.

***while you are at let's pray for kristi. a young mom just like me in idaho who was in flordia last week. battling cancer. lots of cancer. there is not a lot of hope as the cancer has spread. with a husband and two little boys. she is not alone. please join me in praying for a miracle. for life. that her story, like mine, will be one of hope and healing and walking miracles.***

home.

2012-01-30T07:36:00.000-08:00

i love going away. we need it sometimes. i crave it. the Lord filled us both. it was an incredible week. i have so much to share. it was like nothing i have been apart of. maybe ever. but our baby is sick. so sharing my heart will wait...

trying to keep it together.

2012-01-23T20:12:00.000-08:00

so tomorrow i will no longer be a single momma. i will actually still be a momma just without her baby. i am heading to orlando to meet up with my husband. who i now know. for sure. so positively that i like life so much better with him in it. i think i knew that already but these past nine days confirmed it.

i am heading to the young life all staff conference in flordia. it only happens once ever four years so it should be good.

i am excited in theory about it. i know it will be fun but life has felt so unsettled lately. way to many lists. too many to do's. sweet friend's hanging with ava (we could not do it without you). a new job. scarves (love the order overload). i do not feel rested. not at all. i am looking forward to getting away and enjoying 80 degree days. but there is a twinge of guilt about ava. not that we are going to flordia exactly. i have not felt very present with her this past week. way to many days that were go...go...go. i realize this is just the way it happens sometimes. that is fine. but for tonight. for this moment i hate the anxiety i have inside and i wish i had a cleaning lady and someone to pack my bags. maybe in another life.

hopefully once i am finally packed. i give little ava a goodbye kiss and i am on the plane i can relax.

enjoy the week. i maybe back again this week or i might take the whole week off. we will see.

that face. i am in love.

beautiful people.

2012-01-19T10:37:00.000-08:00

http://www.babaloud.com/2011/05/amazing-inspirational-quotes/amazing-inspirational-quotes-19/

that is some good stuff. i don't care who you are...that is good.

when i read it yesterday i could not stop thinking about it. as i read the beginning

about defeat, suffering, struggle, loss i thought of cancer. of july 2010. of justin. of ava. of our family. of our friends. of myself. of what was ahead and this scary unknown world of...cancer. i never wanna go back.

but i spent more time thinking about the rest of it. i know we struggled. a lot of people struggle. we all carry our own pain and loss. sometimes with the world like we choose to or sometimes alone. i hate that people walk through the valleys alone. but they do. maybe you do. but i could not stop thinking. literally could. not. stop.

the part on appreciation, sensitivity, compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.

is that who i am?

do i love deeply?

am i really that compassionate?

how gentle am i?

i think it is good to reflect. i think we need to stop or maybe not literally stop because i have not stopped in the past 72 hours. but mentally allow yourself to go there. to really think about your life. your heart. how you care for others. who you are. what you are about. where you have been. where you are going. what has made you...you.

where are you hurting?
what is your pain?

i so easily get engrossed in my own life. the whole...i am too busy thing.

please. we are busy. you are busy. everyone is busy.

but you make time for what is important. i know that i fail everyday. i can not be all things to all people. that would be bad for them and for me.

i do not have any answers or much wisdom on this to offer.

i simply had to share because i could not stop the way it is taking over my head and my heart. i desire that our pain. that cancer. wow i hate cancer. that it did not happen in vain...but me. my husband. our little girl..well..i will just say it...that we would come out of it as more beautiful people. because the grief and pain of cancer made us into different people. we are not the same. something like that is too big. it does to much to your heart to simply go back to way things were. what i do love is that in many ways our life has returned to normal. i am thankful for that. but who we are in our heart and in our gut...well beautiful people do not just happen. i believe our pain has brought us more beauty and joy than we ever knew before i got cancer.

the pain, sorrow, suffering, and loss we all experience is not wasted if our understanding of life and our heart and our compassion demonstrates that our pain...can also be our joy. i do not want to miss what the Lord is doing in me and in our family. about who we are. what we are about as a couple and what we are about as a family.

i want to be one of those people that elizabeth kubler ros wrote about.

do you?

i miss my other half.

2012-01-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

i like my life better when my husband is home.

letters are from restoration hardware (6 years ago)

the ampersand is from hobby lobby.

the inn and my hobby.

2012-01-16T20:46:00.000-08:00

my husband hates surprises. he seriously gets a little mad about it. but me...i like surprises. i pretend like i don't...but i do and my husband is good at surprising me. he did real good on friday night. i had no idea about anything and when i did find out about it was friday afternoon and i thought we were going away saturday. then on friday at 7:30pm after yl leadership he said let's go home and pack a little bag because we are headed out of town. i of course did the obvious...

"what?...now? where? who is watching ava? what should i pack? i need to clean up the house if people are coming over to watch ava and the guest room is really messy..."

he of course did not answer any of my questions. so we packed a little bag. straightened up the house. perrin and trish came over and off we went. (thanks girls for loving ava so well).

it was dark and we drove through the mountains and 45 minutes later we arrived in the little town of Luray and stopped HERE.

we are not fancy people...clearly...but i did feel fancy when i saw that our room had a fireplace, robes, and a jacuzzi. i felt like "pretty women" except we're married. it was the best night. i had no idea it was happening. i love being with my husband. i love that we celebrate just to celebrate. thankful for another positive dr appointment. thankful for life & for my husband...who loves me so well.

don't waste your chance to plan little surprises...big or small they go a long way.

* * *

making and selling scarves. i love it and so do these ladies.

nice picture angie.

congrats sweet friend.

if you would like to order your own cute little scarf for the winter

email me at libbyryderblog@gmail.com

this is just funny.

happy monday.

a little saturday special.

2012-01-14T15:32:00.000-08:00

let's start the new year off right...with some great products, blog headers, and our little getaway.

***

Pip & Bean
love them and they are back this month with some great capes.

We’ve always been struck by the importance of creative development and imaginative play for children. The quest to keep pace with our own children’s imagination led to a number of costumes and creative projects. Whatever it took to unplug our kids from the TV and help them build a world of their own. Eventually a birthday present for a daughter’s friend turned into a booth at a craft fair, and then an online shop. Almost two years (and thousands of capes) later Pip & Bean sells custom superhero capes, costumes, masks…etc. all over the world. Pip & Bean is an active supporter of “Inspiration Through Art” (www.inspirationthroughart.org) an awesome NPO that supports children with illnesses by helping them see their own inner super hero.

Check out Pip & Bean at http://www.etsy.com/shop/pipandbean

***
Give Jewelry
thank you for those of you that have already begun supporting this amazing business
& even better cause.

Give Jewelry is a sustainable movement to provide food for children of The Bali Orphanage. The vision is simple: “1 piece-1 child-1 week of food.” With every piece of jewelry purchased, Give Jewelry provides one week of nutritious food (that's 21 meals!) for a child in need. So whether you choose feather earrings, a necklace, or bracelet you're really choosing to make a difference.

Give Jewelry: The most affordable and effective way to make a difference in the life of a child.

Put “Libby” in the comment box at checkout and receive 5 free leather bracelets!
check out the site HERE.

***
Shabby Apple.
love love love it all.

i love shabby apple.

they help dress us all no matter what age or season of life. jewelry. babies, toddlers and maternity. check it out HERE. they are kicking off the New Year at Shabby Apple with a SALE! how does 20% off site wide sound? the sale lasts through the entire month of January. use code NEWYEAR at checkout for 20% off! www.shabbyapple.com.

***
Shaklee

keeping our house safe and clean.

I have begun using these products in our home over the past couple months and they are great.
pure. clean. safe. i am loving it.

I’m Missy. I blog over at The Domesticated Diva. I’m here to share Shaklee with you! Shaklee has been around for over 50 years and is the number one natural nutrition company in the US. You may have heard about Shaklee’s awesome non-toxic cleaning products from the blogosphere, but we offer so much more! Here are a few things you can expect from Shaklee: Our products are always safe, always effective, and always green. We have products to help you maintain a healthy home, healthy body, and healthy weight. All of our supplements are truly top of the line and we have a great weight loss program (perfect for your New Year’s Resolution!) It’s been great meeting you all. Visit my Shaklee site to begin your journey to wellness!

***
PomLove
kirsten over at PomLove is currently making some custom designed tissue poms for ava's nursery.
i. can. not. wait. will post pictures when they arrive and are hung up.

PomLove sprouted in early 2008 by a crafty mom who was experimenting with handmade decorations for her 6 year-old's birthday party. It evolved into a business that same year - partially due to countless requests for poms from family and friends. PomLove is the original (that's right, the very first!) pom shop on Etsy, providing the biggest, fullest and most vibrant tissue paper poms, made from 100% recycled paper. With over 80 colors to choose from, and dozens of color combinations available, they are sure to brighten up any space - whether it's for your next party, or just to brighten up a room. Take a look at all of the eye-candy: www.PomLove.etsy.com - then use coupon code BLOG15 to get 15% off of your order with us.

***

thirsty hearts design.

every blog could use a little update. maybe a button. a new header. a custom signature or an entirely new look that represents you. angie is your girl.

check out these amazing blogs she did. HERE & HERE & HERE.

Here at thirsty hearts we believe that life is meant to be lived in transparency and authenticity. Therefore let your blog be a reflection of you. Each design is created with the finest detail in mind. We're now offering design services for baby announcements and wedding! please email angposton@gmail.com for more info.

***

now a little treat.

our blog...in headers.

there was a lot of fear and heartache in that very first blog picture. sara took that of us just days after my diagnosis. but our joy has remained throughout. i love looking back.

i love remembering where we have been and where we are going.

what picture is your favorite?

***

justin surprised me last night with a little getaway to celebrate life, each other, and our marriage. the inn is gorgeous. here is a sneak peek. more to come next week.

just as we thought...

2012-01-12T18:03:00.000-08:00

no signs of cancer in this body. blood work looked great. i feel great. we are good to go. we will go back in march for a scan...if that sucker is clear we can start trying for more little babies. ava said she wants a sister. we would love a baby. it will be perfect.

to celebrate we bought some new running shoes since i am officially training for the rock n roll 1/2 marathon in nashville, tn. the running begins tomorrow morning. here we go. that may seem like a lame way to celebrate and honestly it sorta was...i do not like running all that much. i have never really done it. but when friends and strangers rallied together and ran as teamlibby last year in nashville i knew i wanted to do it this year. accomplish something i never thought i could...let's hope i can do it. but please...come on...joking aside...after cancer i can do anything.

be back tomorrow with some january sponsors.

post cancer # 4

2012-01-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

next month it will be a year. one year since we said goodbye to cancer. hopefully forever. but today we head to UVA for our fourth post cancer visit. no scan this time. just a little blood work and check in with my doctor. i feel fine. i have no indication that we will not hear the best of news today. i feel good. no weird pain. no lumps or aches anywhere. should be a pretty routine normal visit.

i guess what i hate. what is still the hardest part is that we even have to go. that this is even apart of our lives. i think there are moments when it seems to creep up on me. like i forgot for a second. i never forgot. i never will. i know that and i am okay with that.

so...

we are trying to make it feel like a little mid week date. ava will be at home with a few different babysitters. it will be a nice drive through the mountains today as it is unusually warm today. after we see the doctor we are going to get some new running shoes so this whole...1/2 marathon training thing becomes real for me. not just an idea.

will post the good news tonight. thank you for praying. thank you for still sending texts and calling and remembering...it really helps. not feeling alone does seem to take the sting away a little bit.

selfishness and a book.

2012-01-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

don't waste your talents. don't waste your dreams. don't waste your heart.
don't believe anyone who tells you can't...because you can.

(i am currently reminding myself of these same truths everyday)

***

i can't get the italics to go away. so its fancy writing today.

i was selfish & although i hate to admit i am currently selfish.

i was pretty selfish when i had cancer. people emailed and i never wrote back. people sent facebook messages and i never wrote back. not one thank you note was ever written. i was pretty much...libby ryder focused with a side of ava ryder. even justin did not get much of my time or energy. well, he got my time. i had a lot of time on my hands. but he certainly did not get much of my energy.

disclaimer: i had cancer and i realize that is a big deal but...there is a lot more going on in the world and in the lives of loved one's than my own story.

i justified myself a lot. pretty much for anything i did or did not do.

but now it's time. it's 2012 and in a little over a month we celebrate one year cancer free. oh, the joy. the gifts we experience in my healing. but what i really want to be about and what my hearts desire is to love other people well. to not be so "me" focused but others focused. being intentional. sending cards. little gifts. texts. picking up the phone. being available. many of you did that for us last year. thank you for walking in the valley with us. you did not have to. no one asked you or made you. most of you were strangers. not anymore though. you walked through cancer with us so now you are apart of the story. a part of our story.

***

i am going to write a book this year.

i have been praying about it and talking about it for several months. however, i will get all inspired and then i get stuck. paralyzed in the lies.

who would read this? can i even write a book? am i good enough? talented enough? what if i fail? do i have the time?

well...what if i fail? (what does that even mean? what constitutes failure when i am writing a book about my own story. because no one reads it...is that failure? i am sure my mom would at least read it)

i am beginning to realize it is less about failing and more about being vulnerable. putting myself out there to publishers and editors. to the world. i realize that i do that every time i press publish on this blog...but a book feels so permanent. like my one chance to say anything i would ever want to say. talk about strange pressure i am putting myself. i am missing the whole point. i know this. i am creating something from nothing.

write. just write. it is not that hard. (that is what i tell myself about ten times a day).

i was talking with a friend recently who said...go away. be alone. turn on some music and write. really allow yourself to go there. enter back into those first days after the diagnoses. first chemo. telling family. ava. hair loss. weight gain. fear of dying. loneliness. anger. distance from my husband. drinking. isolation. pain.

let's just get it out there...i am scared to write it down because for some reason it makes me think i am going to get cancer again. if i talk about it and really go back to those days and months of cancer and everything having to do with it. i am scared. i am scared to enter into that and then boom...back to current day of being a wife and a mom. i have so much more respect for authors now. it is not easy. but it is my heart. i love to write. i love sharing our story. i love trying to provide some sort of hope and peace and encouragement in the midst of death and fear and darkness.

i can talk about the lord. i can talk a out joy. i can talk about not wasting your cancer and not
wasting your life. that is natural. that is my heart.

but what about the other stuff? the ugly stuff. the scary stuff. the shameful stuff. the whole...i could have died or what if i am not around to watch ava grow up kind of stuff. that is where i am stuck. those are the places in my heart i do not want to enter. i do not want to go there. that's too deep and too scary.

i keep coming back to this...what if i can go there? what if i am not alone in this? the truth is i am not alone. the same God that carried me through cancer will carry me through writing our story. the dark parts that i have not never shared on this blog or with family or with friends or even with justin.

the dark layers that are easier to ignore and pretend don't exist and certainly never did. but you see those places. the dark ones are just as much a part of our story as everything else i have shared in this space since it started back in july of 2010. i believe our journey of cancer is one of hope and joy in the midst of pain and death. but it is easier to talk about joy. it is harder to admit areas of failure, shame, doubt, and anger.

as i was walking through cancer i was numb in many ways. i only realize this now as i look back and see how deep the pain and hurt was...but i wanted to fight. i wanted to be strong. i wanted to find joy because there was joy. but when you are walking in trauma you do not even realize it is trauma because it is your life. i knew it was a valley. i knew a dark cloud hung around while i had cancer. but we wanted light. life. joy. peace. hope. we refused to waste what the Lord had for our little family in cancer. we hope we did not waste it. i do believe we did not waste our cancer. do not waste yours.

i want to get to that place. the place i am scared to go. i want to be real. i want to be honest. i want to cry. i want to yell. i do not want to sugar coat any of it. but the hope i have and the joy in our story is that our God is big enough for all of that. that in the midst of cancer there can be joy. there can be life. there can be hope. that is our story. that is His story in us. how thankful i am for that.

i pray i leave this place. this paralyzed place where i am right now. but my heart won't stop aching when i think about writing and about our story being shared further than this little blog.

so as i enter into this process of writing book and being others focused...i pray i do not grow weary and stop. i believe the Lord can work through anything and what He did in us and through us in cancer is worth writing down. even if my mom is the only person to read. it would be worth it.

if my life and my heart is about not wasting any of it. not one second. than what i am doing here. just write a book. because it is my heart and my passion and my dream. not mention it is one of my 2012 goals.

i re-read this email a lot. it is from a successful photographer. wife. author, and women who loves and loves hard.

"oh, libby, your story is just beautiful. really and my mama always taught me if you put your mind to something, you can achieve it. so i guess this means i believe you'll write your book. really. and if you think about it in the worst possible way (i.e. no one reads it), you at least have your story documented for ava. how precious and amazing will that book be for her when she's a mom?! augh...i love it! i wish you all the best!"

let's do this. don't waste your life...your talents....your dreams. follow them and follow them hard. my husband taught me that. he is disciplined and consistent and real and honest and loves the Lord more than anyone i know. he told me babe...you have something to say...so i am writing a book.

highs and lows

2012-01-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

this weekend in highs & lows.

high: our little baby turned two.

low: we spent most of her birthday in the car driving to a wedding in ohio.

high: all three of us where together. in one place. for 7 hours straight.

low: i like planning parties. being a bit crafty. no party this year. but next year. number three for sure.

high: iced mocha's on the road. crocheting scarves. connecting with my husband.

low: giving ava a gift each hour of the trip. she could have cared less. we got her these fake glasses because she broke the pair she had. after she opened it she looked at me and said..."here you go mommy" and handed them right back to me.

high: ava is an incredible traveler (thanks to her dvd player, ipod, books, and a few smarties). she watched curious george for the first time and was belly laughing from the back seat.

low: we were not with ava for the entirety of her second birthday.

high: roma (justin's mom) met us at our hotel with balloons, cupcakes, & lots of gifts. (she drove up from ky and stayed with ava while we were at the wedding. that was the only way i was okay with this whole...not being with my baby. THANK YOU ROMA).

low: we chose a hotel specifically with a pool for aves to swim. it was freezing. blue lips kind of cold.

high: great wedding. congrats will and janis. (they are the new YL area directors in chesapeake).

low: saying goodbye to all our chesapeake friends who were there. we love you, dearly.

high: dancing, catching up with friends, and going to steak n shake at midnight. anyone recall how much i loved my chocolate milkshake? it was that good. i had to go on and on about it.

low: the drive home. we took the back roads to save time. it was through the mountains. too curvy and scary.

high: it was gorgeous and we saw a lot of cows. aves favorite.

low: ava's second birthday was only documented by pictures of her in a car seat. mommy failure.

high: ava is two. wow. little girl...i sure hope you know much we love you and cherish you and the precious gift you are to us. this is going to be a fun year little one.

balloons welcomed ava when she woke up & the elmo one had to make the trip.

potty training here we come.

very sleepy after a long weekend and turning two.

***

laying low today. it is going to be a busy week. (three month oncologist is thursday)

it is snowing here today. ava called it rain. but we straightened that out and now she can not get enough. i like that.

on the eve of year number two.

2012-01-06T19:06:00.000-08:00

a little daddy daughter dancing before bedtime. perfect way to end the day.

* * *

we have good friends and one of those good friends decided to give our family a year membership to the downtown children's museum. thank you whoever you are...ava and i checked it out for the first time this morning.

there was a bit of a love/hate relationship with bessie the cow. hence blurry ava running away.

* * *

tomorrow our baby turns two. i feel like i am supposed to say...where did the last two years go? but in actuality between her, cancer, and moving...i feel like ava has been in our life forever. she arrived at just the right time. ava was barely seven months old when i got sick and it was devastating and gut wrenching. but our little aves...well she saved my life (not literally). she brought purpose and joy when i had a hard time finding it. so this little almost two year old entered into our life on the brink of the biggest adventure of our lives. i am thankful that my baby is growing up healthy and compassionate and loving as well as strong and independent and sometimes a bit out of control.

let's go down memory lane a bit shall we? her birth story HERE and party number one HERE.

we are headed on a little road trip for ava's birthday. some friends are getting married and we are driving to ohio. thankfully justin's mom was more than willing to meet us at the hotel to hang with ava while we are at the wedding. we have a few fun things planned for her tomorrow. currently she is sleeping peacefully in her new birthday pajamas.

* * *

a new year and some new bedroom decor. kristen at pomlove is hooking us up with some super cute poms for ava's room. here's a peek.

exhausted and leaving early in the morning.

goodnight. goodnight. goodnight.

(thanks for those of you that ordered scarves. so fun. i love it)

nye. scarves. sick baby

2012-01-04T06:11:00.000-08:00

loved reading some of the goals you all shared. some were similar and many were unique and personal. i love that. we all have different visions and goals for our lives in 2012. let's achieve a few.

our new year's eve plans changed pretty last minute (bummer wrights) but we were able to spend some time with josh and ally. they lead young life in chesapeake and justin had the honor of marrying

them in the outer banks this past summer. being apart of it was for sure a highlight for both of us.

so last minute i cleaned the house. which needed to be done so so so badly and ran to the store and got some dips. i think that is the best go to quick appetizer. i bought four pre-made dips. guacamole. red pepper dip. spinach artichoke and pub cheese. just sayin' they were pretty good and it was quick and easy. we ate. talked. bowled and rang in the new year.

we bowled boys vs girls and although we did lose by a little bit. i think the guys and us girls were pleasantly surprised by our bowling skills. who knew?

ava assisting me a bit and we got a spare! maybe bowling will be her sport...oh, i hope not.

it was a fun low key new year's eve and we loved being with you all...you too, ben.

***

i mentioned on monday's post that i crocheted a few or ten scarves as christmas gifts. my friend trish taught me how to crochet a month or so ago and i am in love. i really love it. since i made a few as christmas gifts for my sister's...a couple of their friends have order a few. i even got an order after someone saw me wearing the scarf i made in our christmas video. then i had two more people order have i mentioned it on monday. so here are a few pictures of the scarves. this is just for fun. not even a legit business with a name or anything. it's my new little hobby.

infinity style scarf that you wrap around your neck a few times.

a much wider cowl neck style.

***email me if you would like to place an order. libbyryderblog@gmail.com ***

this picture was taken a few moments before little aves decided to throw up all over herself. me.

her blanket and her chair. she seems a lot better this morning. let's hope it stays that way. it is an inside day here for us and it is real cold here today.

enjoy your wednesday. we are staying in and getting better. somebody turns 2 on saturday!

a bit of a reflection.

2012-01-02T10:48:00.000-08:00

let's begin with this incredible sketch of the river house my friend ellie made for us. (check her and her hubby out at www.tommyandellie.com and order your own house portrait) needless to say i am obsessed. i love it. i love the river. my souls aches for that water and that upstairs view. but it was only for a season.

***

as i was thinking about today. the beginning of a new year i was curious to read what i wrote last year around this time. so i went back. i found exactly what i thought.

no..."here my goals of this year"

or

"let's reflect on 2010 shall we"

it was much more present. nothing profound or particularly insightful. i wrote THIS and THIS last year during the first week of january. the only that really stuck out was..."and its almost time for number ten. typing that made me smile. in about a month we will be done with chemo. the end is near. goodnight."

for me 2011 was not a year of big vision. it was much more simple. heal. heal from cancer and the rest will come. healing and fighting simply felt like more than enough at the time.

lets go back a bit shall we...

in january of 2010 justin and i welcomed ava into the world. she feel right into place. in the midst of joy and excitement there was fear and uncertainty. the questions all new parents have surrounding anything and everything to do with a new child. but i would not have believed you if you had tried to tell me what that excitement and joy about what this little life would do to us.

things changed...it's only natural. our family of two was now three...it felt so right. so natural.

2010 began with a blessing. she rocked us to our core. in the best way that possibly exists.

then a storm came. one full of unknowns. fears. medicine. pain and anger.

but because the Lord is good. we found joy in the midst of death. joy that causes deep emotion even as i type these words down today.

cancer entered our lives and changed everything. i mean everything. forever. so it is fair to say that 2010 was a bit of a mixed bag for us. ava's birth and my cancer.

so when the new year came around. we welcome it with a twinge of fear and illness. my last three chemo treatments met me in early 2011.

within one month of 2011 i was declared CANCER FREE. i do not like punctuation, as you know, but that deserves all caps.

the words we had been waiting to hear since we were told i was sick. a mixture of emotion is under statement. thankfulness, joy, shock, fear...i experienced it all. i had cancer and then i didn't.

now what?

how is it that the thing i prayed for...hundreds prayed for...then became my biggest struggle.

how do i spend my time? what do I do? i felt a bit lost. in many was the celebration of post cancer lasted a few months. i continued to heal and slowly entered back into life. but my life...though very
much the same but felt so entirely new because i was not who i used to be.

i felt stuck.

within two months of chemo ending we began praying and taking through a possible move to harrisonburg.

this brought some serious anxiety. fear. desiring comfort. honestly...i plain and simple did not want to leave the river or chesapeake. but we did. for two reasons. i trust the Lord and trust my husband. even in fear. i trust His plan over my own. even when i do not like it or wish this plan was not for me.

so we moved. new home. new city. new job. new relationships. lots of newness. after four months it
is beginning to feel more like home. although many things are still new the initial sting of newness
has subsided.

now it is 2012. two days in and we think (justin and i) this is going to be our year. as far as we
know...which is not much. this is our year, baby.

so this is the year. living it as if it were our last. not in a morbid way but a very intentional way.

some big goals (not resolutions since they seem fleeting). here are a few:

* falling more in love with Jesus.

* loving my husband more intentionally. daily and in new ways. being honest and intimate and real. not forgetting why we fell in love in the first place (more on that sometime soon...one real. deep. honest conversation last wednesday night brought us back).

* guide and nurture ava. teach her new things and take her on adventures. love her so hard it hurts.

* maintain and grow the relationships in my life.

* write a book.

* train and run a half marathon (i can not believe i just wrote that for all to see)

* hopefully get pregnant. woohoo baby number two. (if my scan next week and in april are clean we will start trying for another baby late spring).

* crochet. no joke i love it. i made like 10 for christmas gifts and i am selling scarves now. (email me.)

* working a little. i started working for an agency that provides in home counseling. getting back to my social work roots.

***

i am not the best with goals. kind of embarrassing to say. justin is better at goals than me. but we want this year to be an intentional one. not wasted. another year of life and celebrating what a gift that is. goals are good. sometimes you reach them and sometimes you don't. but without vision and goals and trying for something...what are you doing? i like to be realistic but i also like challenges. for example i hate running. i am not sure why i am doing it. but a lot of people ran last year for team libby and i am joining in this year.

a lot happens in one year. we all now that. in a span of 12 months....babies are born. marriage begin. people get sick. children start school. new job. new friends. relationships start and finish. i say this a lot..."i truly am in awe of what the difference one year can make." the context is usually in regards to cancer but this year it is full of so much more joyful anticipation for what's to come. no fear. although trials may come our way...but what if. what if for the first time in a couple years our little family did not have any major major life changers. or maybe we do. we will roll with that too.

here's to 2012. don't waste it.

share your goals in the comment section. i would love to hear them.

our christmas.

2011-12-31T06:21:00.000-08:00

this needs to be said. so i will say it and then we can move on...i planned on writing on thursday. never happened. then i planned on doing it on friday. never happened. now it is saturday morning i am here. sitting at my computer feeling a little tired and overwhelmed by the current condition of my home. not sure where this pressure comes from. this idea of..."i have to blog or i need to blog." i said that last night at dinner and justin said..."you seen discouraged. do not write then. that's okay. you are tired. be tired." so last night after we put ava to bed i fell asleep in my clothes on the living room couch. i never do that. i prefer comfy clothes and my bed. all that to say is that i am catching up. i am getting back into life here and sometimes a week away sets me back a bit. but i am on my way...

so it is new years eve! a time to celebrate what was and what is to come. more on that tomorrow. for real. my heart is full. but today does not allow for the time i want to spend reflecting a bit on 2011.

we are not that cool when it comes to new year's eve. we like to celebrate but pretty low key. we were planning to head out of town to see friends but last minute we decided to stay home. stay out of the car for a bit. sleep in our own beds. what's better is that our last minute decision to say home turned into our good friend's josh and ally coming for the night to bring in the new year with our little family.

i loved being in kentucky for christmas. we saw a lot of people. slept a few different places and it was full. full of family, love, food, gifts, and simply being with some of the people we love the very most in the world.

her first movie. appropriately happy feet 2. she did not sit still for more than three minutes and ended up in the very front row running around and dancing. the 12 other people there did not seem to mind.

glasses were a bit of a theme this trip.

christmas morning with roma.

a little blurry. but the joy. oh, the joy.

christmas day at the uncle tommy's and aunt sara. we walked in to there house and immediately started exchanging gifts. i did not even get a chance to take pictures. the day was so mild that we spent the afternoon outside. not your typical christmas weather. the love ava has for her cousins...there are no words. i am so thankful.

day after christmas with my immediate family.

family rules from the grandkids and drake's cute little belly.

opened and immediately tried to ride it. girl needs one a little more her size.

***

putting together ava's new kitchen.

i love christmas. i love what it means. i am sad it is over. i think i am feeling a little down about it all being over. like all events so much gets missed and so many moments are not photographed...especially since all my pics come from my iphone.

to my family. who we love so dearly...thank you, thank you, thank you.

a little christmas eve dancing video for you.

enjoy your new year's eve. be safe and have fun. i am excited to kiss my husband at midnight.

ava is yelling...mommy, mommy, mommy...in sweet desperation. have a good saturday.

don't waste this year. much more on that this whole next year.

we are back.

2011-12-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

what a trip. what a christmas. i loved it all. we have returned to our own home and our own beds...all three of us missed that the most. ava did not say it but girl was up abnormally early the entire time we were gone. being home means lots of laundry, no food, and more gifts than we have space for...little ava got hooked up. i am tired so much more to come tomorrow...on christmas, my goals & my new little job.

but a few things before i go...

love the matching pajamas for ava and her cousins. thanks to my sister, allison.

christmas day in kentucky. warm enough to sit on the back porch and enjoy this giant bouncy.

now all ava's cousins are represented.

lastly...obsessed. in a healthy way with the new blog header. nice little surprise from aunt sara.

christmas vacation has begun...

2011-12-22T07:04:00.000-08:00

we drove to ky yesterday and it was a long, but great drive. ava was practically perfect. as long as she has her DVD player she is good to go...except when she was fast asleep and daddy accidentally woke her up when he yelled from excitement about an upcoming trip to greece with young life.

our picture order arrived tuesday and i tore through them like a little kid on christmas morning. seriously it was funny...i was so excited to see them up close. they did not disappoint...they never do.

ava on our 8 hour road trip yesterday. i thought she might fall asleep around 2pm (her normal nap time)...nah she feel asleep at 6pm. two hours before we arrived at pop pop and lee lee's house. as you can tell by the glazed over look she has...she was watching an elmo movie. or maybe you noticed that little bruise on her forehead. see below.

on sunday afternoon ava tripped on our rug and hit her little head on the bottom edge of the stairs. it was awful. i did not see it, but justin did. although i was pretty sure she was fine (i am the calm one in these situations) justin was not too sure so we headed to our first ER visit with little aves. she ended up being fine and is healing just fine. she is seriously tough.

****

hebrews 10:24. been thinking about that a lot this week. wanted to share.

****

christmas traditions. sharing just a few before we spend the next several days with the vast majority of both sides of our family. as we began our drive yesterday i could not hold back the tears as we talked about this week. seeing family. moving all over the place. the craziness in the midst of wanting to be intentional and restful. i am just so thankful that this christmas is about family and celebrating...not about chemo and cancer. for those of you fighting...my hear aches for you. especially during this christmas weekend. this season will pass. i promise.

a few ryder family traditions:

1. lots of christmas movies. especially the holiday. the family man. the family stone (a little sad for me now). four christmases. love actually. serendipity. ava prefers frosty the snowman.

2. baking. we bake a lot. mostly cookies and banana bread this year. ava bakes right alongside me. we love it.

3. making some of our gifts. this year i think i made about ten gifts. can't show them yet.

4. send christmas cards. will put on blog this week.

5. spend more time at home together as a family than any other time of year. i love love love that.

6. new pajamas for ava. we do this for each holiday or special occasion. birthday, halloween, christmas, summer time, etc. i tend to find them at old navy. usually on sale. right now she loves her scary pajamas from halloween the best.

7. host a little christmas party. this year was my first time. it was just a few women from my tuesday night bible study but i loved it. good food. good drinks. great conversation. so thankful for my new friendships.

8. growing up we did a birthday party for jesus. with a cake. bible verses. a poem. some singing. i love it. my mom wrote it all up for me and put it into a great little email. if you would like a copy simply email me at libbyryderblog@gmail.com and i would love to share this special christmas tradition.

off to get ready and take ava to happy feet 2 with her roma and aunt marlene. her first movie ever.

not sure how this will go...

t minus 3 days.

little avie.

2011-12-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

thanks aunt sara (she is creative brain behind our family rules, the i love ava suzanna because frame, and every photo we have on our walls). they are gorgeous. she is officially no longer my baby. but my little girl.

mamalode magazine giveaway winner is:

Cathy's world said... My favorite decorations are my lighted garland that is everywhere in my house. When I turn that and the tree on it speaks peace. I love the lights and a warm fire.

congrats cathy! please send your name and address to libbyryderblog@gmail.com

enjoy.

also as far as we know...ava did not win the fisher price animal sound contest. sad. sad. sad. thank you for those of you that voted. some of you everyday. we tried our best.

goodbye monday...i am glad you are over. not my best day. let the rest of the week begin.

let us know what picture is your favorite? they are numbered to make it real easy.

don't waste your space. our home for the holidays.

2011-12-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

we have been spending our time doing a little bit of this...

great great christmas idea!!! aunt sara (professional photographer) got this for ava. we write on it each day...we love a lot things about this little girl. (email her to order one for your house sarabethfloyd@yahoo.com)

we love baking. especially snickerdoodles. in turn my jeans are tighter. just the way it goes i guess if you decide to eat cookies pretty much daily. ava loves using straws...so these cheap 97 cent snowman straws from walmart (4 in a pack) are perfect.

my friend trish taught me to crochet. let's just say whenever i get a second you will find me on the couch working on yet another scarf. i love it. especially when the yarn i love is from micheals and those 40% coupons come in real handy.

we have been busy picking up christmas/baking gifts this week which = lots of wrapping.

this year we used brown craft paper from the dollar store to wrap gifts & then when i ran out of that i improvised with using some of my craft design paper. a huge packet from micheals is around $10. i used it for smaller gifts as well as paper bunting hanging in most our windows.

first off i am not a huge fan of pictures of dirty kitchens, etc on blogs. i mean all of our houses get messy. no one really lives in a perfectly neat house. if you have kids there is not a chance that your house remains picked up for longer than ten minutes. all that said...check out our craft room.

i am really loving decorating this year so i wanted to share a bit of our house...

twine and some mini clips.

musical note garland. found an old book and cut it up...felt a little guilty. but i love how it turned out.

ava's little tree in the basement. thanks roma. we love it.

ava's bedroom has a little bunting too.

the house smells a lot like this. i love it. i love it. i love it.

***now i must admit. i come up with nothing on my own...well sometimes i do. but for the most part a lot of things in our house are a straight copy from things i see on this BLOG. take a look***

they are offering a free pdf file with lots of design ideas for the holidays. they are free and all you have to do it simply print. i have been printing on brown craft paper and it adds a little punch. i have already used her gift tags &party invites & art prints. & some bunting and garland.

you can download it all HERE for FREE.

now for the best part of this post. our new sponsor MAMALODE is offering a sweet giveaway. this magazine is full of all sorts of women and momma's sharing their stories and some daddy's too. it is about life. motherhood. babies. career. trying to do it all but stepping back and remember that we all need a little time too. to write. to read. to create. to be. mamalode provides that place. for women to be women. there are slew of mags all over our house right now and i am loving it.

you can get your own subscription HERE.

just in time before the next issue which comes out in feburary (i am honored to be included).

one lucky blog commenter will win a one year subscription.

(winner will be announced monday)

comment away. what are your favorite holiday decorations around your house?

every house needs some christmas gels. just $1 at walmart.

(all the pictures on the blog are taken on my iphone with the free Instragram app. i am libbyryder if you want to follow our feed.

some of my decor ideas are pinned on my pinterest boards. check it HERE

i just have to say this...um, i had cancer at this time last year. yup that's right. never ever under estimate the difference one year can make.

it's the weekend baby. enjoy it.

harrisonburg.

2011-12-14T19:39:00.000-08:00

people have been asking me a lot lately if I like it here. if i am happy in harrisonburg. in all sincerity i do like it here and i think that like is turning to love. who would have ever thought? certainly not me.

sometimes i just feel like i want to be fair to chesapeake like i wanted to be fair to lexington, ky and how i wanted to be fair to grand rapids, mi. i felt bad saying i liked where i was living because then it meant i did not like where i used to be. nothing about that is true. however, there is a little pride when it comes to the places you live. friendships, school, growth, experiences, relationships... they are all a part of my life and my story and how one day a long time ago my dear young life leader told me...

you are becoming now who you are going to be forever.

so all those places and now this place are all apart of who i am becoming.

new friendships. new stories. new growth. i feel alive here. not all the time but most of the time.

when we found out we for sure moving i told myself that maybe if we had stayed living in the river
house it would have been hard. i only knew cancer there. would it be to hard to stay? would i feel stuck? i think i was trying to convince myself of that because i was so sad to leave the elizabeth river. but that house was full of so much more than cancer. it was full of healing, ava learning to walk, justin and i falling in love all over again, friendships, meals, a flooded mailbox, the blog, family, friends, sidewalk chalk, nights on the river, sisters cuddling with me in bed after chemo, my husband battling alongside me, and my baby growing up.

so you see...to make it easier on myself that we were leaving this place i sorta told myself that the river house was too full of cancer and too much pain. some parts are true...i did fight cancer in that place but more than that...the part of our story i care so much more about and i want the world to know...

i healed in that house. i went from death to life in that house. that's how i felt at least.

so the truth is...i miss the river. i miss chesapeake.

but

i love harrisonburg. i love our little house on paul street. i love our new relationships. i love that justin and i are on the same page. same sentence. same word even. that does not happen everyday.

but i think you can have both. i love grand rapids. that is where i grew up. that place is where my story was formed and told for 22 years. some of my best friends are there. but i love lexington too. i got my master's degree there. that is where i feel in love with the south. some of my best friends are there. i love cheapeake. we were newlyweds there. we threw ourselves into ministry there. ava was born there. i had cancer there. some of our best friends are there. and now i love harrisonburg too. i am adding it to the list of places where i am becoming who i am created to be.

i do like to choose joy. not in just cancer but in all aspects of life. however, i planned on choosing sadness and a little anger when it came to moving. does anyone remember that i had cancer this past year?

as we discussed moving i thought about how i really needed a second. i deserved a break. i needed a little normalcy after cancer and staying in cheapeake and living on the river would provide me that much needed break. a place to grow and reflect and continue to heal.

you see what i am learning about God is that He knows what's best. even when the thought of moving made me cry so hard i threw up. He knew what was the best and wow did He surprise me with this one.

but you see...what i thought i needed...what i convinced myself i needed was to be comfortable.
comfort is not bad. most of us love it. change is what we seem to fear. but i am learning right now is that if we believe the Lord we serve is for is and not against us and will never leave us...than i will go anywhere.

now is any of this easy? not really. starting over is hard. building new relationships take time. many times over this past fall i reverted back to a 13 year old middle school girl with thoughts of...

i just want people to like me.

i wanted to know where i stood with people. i wanted them to get me and i would get them. i wanted it to be quick and natural. i have not arrived. we never really do. we never stop learning and forming and becoming who we were meant to be forever.

but i am surprised. this little town is surprising me. i am making friends. good real ones. justin and i are more in love than ever. ava is becoming a strong compassionate beautiful little girl. she says, "bless you momma." when i sneeze. melts my heart every time.

i would not have picked to move this year. please no one take that personally. last year was just by far the hardest year of my last 28. i just want a break. i do not think that's too much to ask.

but because the Lord is good. all the time. even when we do not seem to see it or don't want to
or life is just too too hard. He surprised me with this last year and again with this move. even as i type this i feel this loyalty to chesapeake and people there that made cancer bearable. yes, you. you know who you are. we miss you. i hope you know that.

but...once again i was wrong. moving has not been awful or too much or too hard or too scary.
there were moments where it was hard and there maybe more to come. but for now i believe two things are true.

1. i trust the lord

2. i will go anywhere in the world if justin and ava are with me. seriously. they are my family. they are my home.

***give-jewelry winner***

congrats Sam...I love all of them! the cuff bracelets especially :) This color is great!

I liked them on facebook, subscribed to their blog, followed them on twitter, and subscribed to their youtube page! Thanks Libby!

Sam please email me at libbyryderblog@gmail.com to get your $100 credit to give-jewelry.

thank you for all of you who are supporting this awesome company and more importantly there mission to provide meals to children in need.

the weekend & give-jewelry.

2011-12-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

this weekend began with our YL Christmas party. a time for the leaders and committee to come together to eat. worship. exchange some gifts and just be together. we had a great time. see...oh, and ava's signature lip.

look how thrilled ava looks? i knew something was off from the moment she woke up from her nap a little feverish, wanting to cuddle, and just not herself. but we got ready and i thought she would turn a corner. nah...never happened...she would not leave my side the enter night. after about an hour or so i figured out what wrong..she threw up on me and a few people standing with us. sorry about that. first time in her little life that she has thrown up me. funny how as a mom you really do not care that you smell a little like throw up or in my case a lot like throw up and your clothes may never be the same...you simply clean it up the best you can and head home. so that's what we did. when i was getting her out of the car seat she said..."me go to party?" sweet girl is always up for a good time. she ended up not getting sick again just slept a lot. then cliff and laura came and it was so great to relax. talk. eat good food. talk all little baby wright (i am not pregnant. laura is) and share life.

it was a great great weekend. mostly because ava ended up not being sick all weekend which i was preparing for after friday night. loved being with our friends. loved having some girls over dinner and then some senior girls from JMU over to eat cookies. drink coffee & hot chocolate. share life and talk thru one thousand gifts and how the Lord is working in our lives

justin and i are on the same page too...love it love it love it. i really am thankful and joyful.

now to keep with our theme of giving this Christmas season we have give-jewelry joining the post today. don't we all love giving a gift that gives back? i know i do. i LOVE what they are about. seriously. let's help spread the word...

i found Give Jewelry a month or so ago when i was reading a friend's blog. i then began an email correspondence with a sweet women who works for Give Jewelry. there products are cute. affordable. above all: every bracelet you make provides a week worth of food for a child in need. pretty incredible. i believe in there movement and mission to end world hunger.

will you join?

Give-Jewelry are bracelets with a purpose. Give Jewelry is a sustainable movement to provide food for children in orphanages throughout Indonesia. the vision is simple: every bracelet purchased directly benefits kids in need. so no matter what type of bracelet you choose: friendship, charm, leather, beaded, cuff or any of our other bracelets, you’re really choosing to make a difference.

here are a few (they have a huge selection on there site HERE) of there bracelets that i really love. not just saying it. i was very impressed when they arrived this week. so was ava. great stocking stuffers.

each bracelet is individually packaged in these adorable little bags. super cute touch.

just for our readers Give-Jewelry is offering a FREE cause (like cancer) bracelet when you make a purchase. write “Libby” in the comment box to receive a free cause bracelet of your choice. thank you for making a difference.

give-jewelry wants to give away a $100 credit to the winner of our giveaway. Yup, that's right a random commenter will win a $100 credit to Give-Jewelry.that is a lot of bracelets and most importantly a lot children fed. to enter the giveaway simply go to
www.give-jewelry.com and choose your favorite bracelet. then post a comment on the blog and put a link back to the bracelet you like the best with a little description.

a few bonus entry options:

“Like” Give Jewelry on Facebook

www.facebook.com/givejewelry

Subscribe to the Give Jewelry Blog

www.thegiveteam.com
Enter your email address
Check your email and confirm the subscription
Join the discussion by commenting or asking questions in the box below each post.

Follow Give Jewelry on Twitter

www.twitter.com/GiveJewelryTeam

Subscribe to the Give Jewelry YouTube channel

www.youtube.com/givejewelry
Show the 45 minute Give documentary to your school, church or club

i read this on there facebook wall...gotta love virginia:

To our "Give" family in the State of Virginia!! You are our largest supporters in the entire United States HANDS DOWN!! Keep sharing the "1-1-1" movement here on facebook - it's helping to make a REAL difference to children that would not have much of a chance without people like each of you.

*don't forget to leave a comment for each bonus entry option and increase your chance to win a $100 credit to Give-Jewelry. enjoy checking it all out and be sure to enter the giveaway. the winner will be announced on the blog wednesday. happy shoppping.

***one delightful button giveaway winner***

comment number 8: Great post Lib. Southland has been doing a series on joy as well. Must be something I'm needing to hear :) Love that you're getting to really celebrate this season and that you're not sick. Miss you girl. Very cute stuff in the giveaway! I'd take it all :)

sweet nina. send me your email address and home address please to libbyryderblog@gmail.com
get ready to shop. you have $25 to katie's precious store.

don't waste your cancer & a giveaway.

2011-12-09T08:03:00.000-08:00

anything bold and black is a link

we know i am all about not wasting your cancer...or your life. but i have never actually used that as a title for a post. but today i am. i woke up this morning (writing this thursday but posting friday. tricky) and immediately thought i got chemo today last year. this exact day i received chemo. it was by far my worst treatment of the 12. not sure why. there really was no rim or reason. all i know is that from 10am thursday to 10am monday i threw up anything and everything. even a few saltines made me sick. it was really awful. i remembering laying in bed and begging...pleading to the Lord to take it all away. the cancer. the pain. the nauseous. the fatigue. on sunday morning while justin and his mom were at church and ava was napping. she probably should have gone with them but she was sick too and when i was sick i struggled a bit with control and wanting to prove to whoever...clearly myself that i could still take care of ava regardless of how sick i was. this day was no different. as i laid in bed i wept. over the pain. over the cancer. over my life. over my fear. over how much i was missing out on life. i now know that in many ways these valleys. these trials. my cancer...well...this is life. we have no idea what is in store or what is ahead. but we can choose to fear it or we can choose joy in it.

choose joy.

i think if you know me personally or know me through this blog than you know that cancer was not easy. i did not like it. i hope i never get it again. but i did learn very quickly and held it tight throughout my treatment that in the midst of pain and fear and asking god why? it only brought me to a place
of despair and anger. you need to allow yourself to feel. but after much reflection and reading emails from people about someone they know with cancer and not knowing what to do or say i believe my encouragement is this... simply this...choose joy.

i am still reading one thousand gifts and loving it.

i read this a week or so and it is not even from the author. it's from scripture. something i have read many times before. but i could not stop thinking about it as i began to write this post.

"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know now how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether is it with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." Philippians 4:11-12

but what Ann Voskamp helped me see...really see for the first time is what Paul says twice...

learned.

nothing happens overnight. nothing is automatic. we can not just tell our hearts to feel a certain way and then it does. like it is with cancer...or with any type of suffering or joy...in order to find life. fullness. joy. real joy is to learn to live in such a way where your heart yearns and craves for joy. it's simply the nature of your heart. as Ann says, "learn to live fully...like i know my skin, my face, the words on the end of my tongue. Like I know my own name. Learn to be thankful-whether empty or full. Could the list (her one thousand gifts) teach me even that hard language? Over time? Gratitude in the midst of death and divorce and debt-that's the language I've got to learn to speak-because that is the kind of life I'm living, the kind I have to solve. If living in gratitude is the key to unlocking the mystery of life, this I want."

also for me...this i want.

my inbox has been full of new cancer stories lately. other young sick mom's. many with babies. trying to do it all in the midst of it all. some are sharing their story just like us. but for now it is still to hard for me to read. at least it was last night. i know it is Christmas time and no one should have to be sick at Christmas, but many people are...my encouragement is this: although i do not know your story or
what is ahead...this season will pass. you will not be the same. cancer will change you. but my prayer
is that you are made new, healed, and full of life. i hope you begin to develop a far grander vision of the Lord and your life.

choose joy.

i hate chemo. i hate it for you. i wish it were not your story. i really do. no one picks this story. but this will not always be your life. although every story is different and unique...i can only speak of my own. but one year later we are in a new house, new job, and new town. this Christmas my time and energy is spent decorating, baking, shopping for gifts, hosting Christmas parties, wrapping gifts, and living. really living. if you had told me this last year i would not have believed you.

even when it hurts and your sick and your scared and your angry and your real and your raw. i believe
you can experience all that and still choose joy. i tried to then & i try to now.

everyday in every moment we are given the chance to decide what are we about...how we act...how we speak...how we respond. without joy we may quickly become bitter and angry. but what if...even in the midst of chemo, dr appts, scans, blood work, fear, anger, and pain...

choose joy.

it was nice of people to tell me that this would not always be your life and chemo was healing me...but i hate chemo. i am thankful it exists and the Lord used it to destroy the cancer inside
me but it sucks. i get it. every story is different and i will not pretend i know you and your circumstances or the road you are on...but if it's cancer than i have walked a similar road.

there is another side.

this will not always be your life.

it will end. it always does.

cancer will always be a part of your story but not your whole story. last year it was our story. we were walking right in it...but now...on the other side of cancer. the healed side (that is all i know how to speak to). it's a part of our life. mostly our hearts. they are new and know grateful on a whole new way.

i pray your heart does not become callus and hard and bitter. although there maybe be seasons and moments of that. do not stay there forever. we were not meant to.

so if you will or at least consider it...
choose joy.

in cancer we tried our best and it made all the difference. in life post cancer we are continuing that and it is making all the difference. don't waste it.

*** now on a lighter note and because it's the weekend baby

let's have a giveaway ***

our sweet Katie from One Delightful Button is giving away a $25 credit + free shipping to her adorable store. check out her adorable shop HERE.

to enter simply "like" her on facebook HERE & then come back to our blog and leave a little comment love.

winner will be announced monday on the blog!

lastly i am linking up with another libby today in her 10 things series. check it out HERE.

don't waste your cancer. choose joy. celebrate the weekend.

time for some christmas shopping. i got a few to share.

2011-12-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

not much to say. i just love it all. hope you to do. enjoy shopping...this stuff is good. no lie.

hope you enjoy. be back friday with a giveaway and some thoughts on life.
all pictures and bold print are a direct link to the site.

So thrilled Mamalode is joining us this month. love them love them.

My name is Elke Govertsen and I am the founder and publisher of Mamalode. Mamalode is a magazine about moms-- real moms, real stories, really well told. As a matter of fact Libby will be a writer in our upcoming print issue! We NEVER have how-to articles, just authentic and real moments about being a mom. Or thinking about being a mom. Or about YOUR mom. We also always have dad's perspectives and a great section from kids of "Everything they think moms should know". We are a print magazine (quarterly, you can subscribe), website (new content every weekday, it is free), social (facebook, twitter, pinterest--- feel free to like, follow or pin us) and tablet (iPad launching soon!) We started as a local publication and are moving into national, with the help of blogs like this and readers like you. Please help us spread the word and grow. Our scales are tipping in a great way! Thank you, Libby! Check us out www.mamalode.com.

katie is back this month with great Christmas gifts ideas.

Check out One Delightful Button for handmade jewelry, accessories and other fun things all surrounding the buttons. All the items are handmade by Katie & come packaged ready for gift giving. All orders needed for Christmas must be placed by December 17th to make sure to arrive on time! Free gift wrap for the holidays upon request. This month orders over $25 will receive free shipping. just add 'DWYC' in as the coupon code. Check out One Delightful Button at http://www.onedelightfulbutton.com.

excited for missy to be joining us this month. i like a safe home.

I’m Missy. I blog over at The Domesticated Diva. I’m here to share Shaklee with you! Shaklee has been around for over 50 years and is the number one natural nutrition company in the US. You may have heard about Shaklee’s awesome non-toxic cleaning products from the blogosphere, but we offer so much more! Here are a few things you can expect from Shaklee: Our products are always safe, always effective, and always green. We have products to help you maintain a healthy home, healthy body, and healthy weight. All of our supplements are truly top of the line and we have a great weight loss program (perfect for your New Year’s Resolution!) It’s been great meeting you all. Visit my Shaklee site to begin your journey to wellness!

PomLove sprouted in early 2008 by a crafty mom who was experimenting with handmade decorations for her 6 year-old's birthday party. It evolved into a business that same year - partially due to countless requests for poms from family and friends. PomLove is the original (that's right, the very first!) pom shop on Etsy, providing the biggest, fullest and most vibrant tissue paper poms, made from 100% recycled paper. With over 80 colors to choose from, and dozens of color combinations available, they are sure to brighten up any space - whether it's for your next party, or just to brighten up a room. Take a look at all of the eye-candy: www.PomLove.etsy.com - then use coupon code BLOG15 to get 15% off of your order with us.

lastly lets support our troops shall we...

this is written from a past sponsor liz

In an attempt to thank our soldiers who are spending their Christmas away from family & friends, I am running an event called Operation Zipper Pouch. My brother is in the Air Force & although he is stationed in Delaware now, he did spend last Christmas in Iraq. It's not only hard on him to be away from us, but it was difficult for us to know that he was by himself miles & miles away. This is just a small way to show how grateful we are to those serving and willingly spending their holidays in a war zone to keep us safe.

a little bit of ava

2011-12-06T07:58:00.000-08:00

in case you missed it...our family Christmas video can be seen HERE we hope you like it.

just a few little funny things about ava right now that i thought i would share.

she is wearing a sleep sack. it is usually for newborns. but she loves her eepsack.

every morning when she wakes up she talks to herself for a bit. sings a little. then eventually begins calling for justin or i to come get her. she will usually ask if she can read her cistmas books and nowman book in bed...to which i gather a few of her favorites for a bit of "reading" in bed.

she is getting a new little table just for her this Christmas but until then we improvise.

it's precious i think...such a big table and such a little girl. she loves her little stool. we use it for eating and when she wants to help me cook and bake. she is really into helping and doing this on her own.

seems like an ordinary pancake huh?! well it is but the only difference is that she prefers it frozen. no butter. no syrup. just a cold frozen pancake. when she is older we will remind her of when she was almost two and loved to eat frozen pancakes. she actually asks for them and says...no syrup please.

be back tomorrow with some new sponsors for december and be sure not to miss our giveaways this month. we have a new one for every friday until Christmas. we are getting into the spirit of giving.

we are getting into the spirit...

2011-12-03T21:48:00.000-08:00

the past two seasons of Christmas have been a little different for us. back in 2009 i was 37 weeks pregnant and although we did decorate a bit i did not go above and beyond. it was still just the two of us and i had not really developed the passion i know have for decorating, creating, and being a little crafty. then 2010 came and went and it was full of cancer. chemo. exhaustion. lots of exhaustion. but since it was our little ava's first Christmas we did decorate a little and put up a tree and stockings. justin documented it all HERE. as i was linking the video up to this post i was quickly brought back to that season. that cancer season. as my throat chocked up a bit and the tears started flowing. i thought about how sick i was and how i am now healthy. there truly are no words to the joy i feel in my heart.

we just finished decorating. what a night it was. things do not always go the way we imagine they will...tonight was just that. broken ornaments. ava crying. me getting flustered by the mess. but that is life. that is what is real. it is not the movies. but it is us. the three of us entering into this holiday season. the season of Christ's birth with joy and gratitude like nothing we have ever known before.

i am healthy. this Christmas i am healthy and cancer free. there are no words. just thankful. a whole lot of thankful.

here is a little look.

a little unfinished project for ava...something special for each day of december.
print off free gift tags HERE. it is a great site.

unfinished mantle. just a peek.

the best way to end the evening. ava is in bed. we are on the couch watching our favorite movie.

the best Christmas movie. watch it. seriously.

since you just watched Christmas 2010...do not miss the beginning of Christmas 2011 for the
ryder family.

watch our evening of decorating and remaining thankful video HERE.

thanksgiving recap.

2011-12-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

although it is officially december one and the Christmas season is upon us i wanted to give a little recap on our thanksgiving travels and why this year is especially joyful.

we were gone for ten days. wow. it was good. so good.

i loved that our trip was full of lots of little and some long road trips. not that traveling with a little one is easy but as a child i loved what driving to grandma's meant. usually some fun times and some presents. not that it's all about the presents, because it isn't. but i love everything about what family and time together means.

we began our thanksgiving adventure in sandusky, ohio at this pretty incredible indoor water park called kalahari. justin was asked to speak at a young life high school fall weekend trip for students and leaders from northern ohio. it was a special weekend. justin spoke four times over the course of the weekend on who Jesus is, the reality of Sin, His death and resurrection, and what it means for us all.
it was a powerful and fun weekend. we did enjoy some fun times at the water park. ava loves all things having to do with water.

there were giant animals everywhere and ava loved it.

thanks kristy (young life staff wife like me. blog reader and huge supporter and now officially a friend) for taking a few shots of ava.

i was given the chance on saturday night to share our story and really getting into the details of cancer, chemo, hair loss, and how the Lord was in all of it. thanks for those of you that took the time to be there. it was a privilege.

after the weekend we headed to hudson, ohio to spend a few days with our good friends and their three little kids. one being justin's namesake and our godson, ryder kessick. it was great to be together and we loved meeting the newest addition to the family...only 6 weeks old. we love you phoebe and sweet charis. thank for opening your home to us

finally we headed to michigan for thanksgiving with my family. we all came together for many reasons but especially for my dear aunt deb who is fighting cancer as we speak. check out her blog HERE. i loved seeing her. i loved being with her. i loved hearing from her and her heart and how strong she is...she is one strong lady. seriously. she does not take naps. i am still in shock. i slept ALL the time when i sick. she even returns your emails. i barley did that. sorry about that by the way. she is responding to chemo which is a huge answer to prayer but the road ahead maybe long and weary. we are in this with you aunt deb.

some of our time was spent at a hotel with my entire immediate family. so we swam. ate out. shopped and celebrated being together. ava loves her cousins. there were sporting events. lots of food and time with my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. many i have not seen since i was sick. it was extra special for me this year. how far we have come. what a gift that is. how thankful we are.

i loved being together. i loved that our last night was spent on my sister's hotel bed eating this. the best.

after saying goodbye we headed home. our longest drive ever with ava. because everyone was driving home on sunday as well it was busy and slow and lots of traffic. thankfully she handled it better than justin and i did. ha. she was great.

it might look bad. but she was laughing.

although i could make a long list of everything i am thankful for i am reminded more and more as i read the book one thousand gifts...that i desire to have a heart that remains thankful for the big things right alongside the little things. it is all gift. we do not deserve any of it.

what if we remained thankful not only during this special time of year but all year around?

let's do it together.

do not waste this season. do not loose site of the small little things around you. they are what make life...life.

ava and the fisher price contest.

2011-11-30T16:23:00.000-08:00

CONTEST IS NOW OVER

okay...if this annoys you just ignore this post and i plan to write something more interesting and fun later tonight.

but if you feel so inclined to vote for little ava today is the last day for the fisher price animal sound contest. it ends tonight (11/30) at midnight. the prize is $10,000 for college. if you feel like voting for her little rooster sound the link is HERE.

thank you thank you thank you. so many of you have been voting and we appreciate it so much.

we will find out on december 16 if our little ava is the winner. i will be sure to announce.

some christmas goods

2011-11-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

it is getting closer and closer to christmas and this month's sponsors have some great gift ideas...

some adorable jewelry from http://www.onedelightfulbutton.com/

the most fun capes for kids from pip & bean http://www.etsy.com/shop/pipandbean#

how about a little PomLove party decor from http://www.etsy.com/shop/PomLove

check out more details and special offers just for you HERE.

if you would like to advertise with dwyc for december. it is a great shopping month.

send me an email at libbyryderblog@gmail.com

happy shopping!!

impromptu little adventure.

2011-11-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

ava and i stayed home all day today. after a week and a half of three different hotels and one friend's house we needed a break (more on that in the next post). it was a pretty uneventful day. she had been asking to go "bye bye" all day and i kept making excuses...trying to convince her that "it's fun to stay inside" she was not feeling it.

at around 7pm when as i was mentally preparing myself for the day to end...at least for ava she stood at the door crying and crying....after a few moments of trying to figure out what she wanted she walked over to me and said

"go bye bye momma."

in that split second i thought.

"no we can't leave it's "late"

"i am exhausted. i will distract her with something"

"if we did go where would we go?"

"where do i have gift cards?"

"i have not showered and i am in my pajamas."

so in not libby ryder fashion at all (yes i just wrote that) we went on a little adventure. i put on my flip flops and my jacket. put a little sweatshirt over her skeleton pajama top and put some leggings on her since her pajamas have glow in the dark bones on them. off we went.

this really is not me. i hate it about myself. i would love to say that i am real spontaneous and adventurous and maybe i am a little but i think with ava can i be a little too practical.

however, tonight we headed to barnes and noble for a little reading/slash running around and ava's first starbucks lukewarm hot chocolate.

a little boy was laying on the ground reading and she was enamored.

goodnight moon. a classic.

first starbucks ever. most certainly not her last.

a huge milestone. seriously. no high chair but a big girl sitting in her own chair on her knees so she could see above the table and her own drink. it was special.

i tried to buy her a christmas book...not interested. i bought her a cookie, hot chocolate, and we ran around the children's area looking at books and playing...but her favorite part of our little adventure was this bench. as we were walking out to the car she ran right to it and sat for a while. she never sits still. but for this bench she does.

it was a sweet little night minus the peculiar man who sat by us while we had our starbucks. it was a little odd. all in all it was more than worth it. a special little surprise because she needed it and i did too. it is easy to make excuses...we all do it. i am no super mom and i never will claim to be. but these moments are meant to happen. we just need to allow them.

don't waste your little adventures.

voting for ava and her rooster sound ends wednesday nov. 30th at midnight. please vote. you can vote as many times a day as email addresses you have. so if you are mom that means like ten. only an oma does that. love it. she could win $10,000 for college. you can vote HERE.

2011-11-23T09:53:00.000-08:00

from ava.

an early happy thanksgiving wish to you and you and you.

watch it HERE.

the winner is...

2011-11-21T19:12:00.000-08:00

i am a little late on writing this blog post. it's been a busy weekend and such a fun day. more to come on that tomorrow.

congrats comment #42. I have one Shabby Apple dress from last holiday season and LOVE it! Perfect for any time. What a great sponsor.

thanks for entering. more giveaways to come during the holiday season.

be back soon with more on our road trip, justin speaking, and being with good good friends.

ava is lovin' hotels.

don't waste your space friday: our first giveaway.

2011-11-18T06:38:00.000-08:00

since we are currently driving to ohio for justin to speak this weekend and then onto michigan to spend thanksgiving with my family...

so let's do our first giveaway.

when Shabby Apple contacted me about a giveaway i was thrilled. i basically love everything they sell. so in the spirit of the holiday season it only seems appropriate to host our very first giveaway on the blog. you may have noticed that Shabby Apple is one of our sponsors the past two months. Shabby Apple's women's dresses are some of my favorites.

i would like one of these...

and maybe this one (it has pockets)...

or this one...

this little number for ava...

or this for my good friend, laura. who is expecting a little man in march.

anything you like? well, i am giving away the Bali Ha'i' dress (first picture above) from Shabby Apple (www.shabbyapple.com), an adorable online boutique of women's dresses and accessories. how about one lucky random commenter wins!!

anyone can enter. anyone can win. here is how you do it.

leave a little comment love on our blog & simply "like" Shabby Apple on facebook HERE.

it's really easy. contest ends 12:00am (est) on Nov 20th & you can only enter once.

the winner will be announced monday on the blog. enjoy your weekend.

a little video.

2011-11-17T08:41:00.000-08:00

justin is at starbucks working and getting his four talks ready for this weekend. ava and i are packing up and about to run a few last minute errands. justin and i talked briefly this morning about the whole packing situation and the nine day trip we are about to embark on. we will be staying four different places which is "fine" when it is just us. but since our "us" includes a 22 month old...that is a lot of packing up, putting the pack n play together and taking it down, unpacking, and carrying luggage. so it went like this...

"babe, work with me a little we are going to have a lot of stuff on this trip."

"lib, you always say that. just do not over pack. i am the one carrying it."

i get quiet and continue planning ava's outfits and packing her suitcase. he can tell i am annoyed.

"lib, i am with you. but remember we can do laundry and we can repeat outfits."

"justin, i know and i am planning this out but regardless we are going to have a lot of stuff. not just clothes with us. but gifts, snacks, toys, etc. just work with me. i want this to be fun. i have such great memories of traveling to see family over the holidays. i just think our attitude about the driving and moving around will make all the difference." (i love how positive i try to be when in reality i do not care who you are or how much you love to travel or love to spend time with your family. i love all those things. but i do not like loading and unloading a car or packing. i get anxious and seem to spend more time thinking and writing my packing list than it takes to pack. at least for me. does anyone even enjoy packing?

justin agrees with me and we get on the same page. good way to start the whole road trip. our longest one we have ever taken with ava. it should be fun.

***

ava found this video on my phone last night and literally watched it 30 times and just laughed and laughed and laughed. so i thought i would share it with you. enjoy. press HERE to watch.

a few last things...

***check back tomorrow for our first ever GIVEAWAY. it is the holiday season so gifts are in order.

***ava is the 9th most viewed video on the fisher price animal sounds contest. you can vote HERE once a day until Nov 30th. she is under ava r and the animal is a bird (a rooster to be exact).

***do not miss starbucks buy one get one free on all holiday drinks from 2-5pm good through nov 17-20th at certain locations. we like starbucks in this house and this will be nice on our road trip.

my 28th year.

2011-11-16T13:27:00.000-08:00

(most things that appear bold are a link. check it out.)

yesterday we celebrated year 27 and now we enter into year 28 of my life. go ahead and check out last year's birthday HERE and HERE to see where we have come one year. it really is incredible. i am humbled and grateful to the Lord for my life. simply my life.

justin and i went out last night to celebrate (thank you kristen and queeny for watching ava). we like to reminisce a bit and talk about the past year. each month. each major event. what stood out. what we loved and what was hard. some big points (clearly cancer and cancer free!) new york trip, bulgaria trip for justin, the beach and vacations, yl camp trips/assignment, and moving. along with hundreds of little moments only we share. i pray the sting of last year...where we were and where we are going never leaves. it is sometimes a sharp painful sting and other times it is simply the humbled reminder that my life is not my own. i am guaranteed nothing. so what will i choose to do with it?

it has clearly been a year of much sorrow along with much more joy. i am thankful for the joy but also the pain. because of that pain i am becoming more of who i was designed and meant to be. i like that. i like to look back and see how far we have come. how much as changed in one simple little year. but maybe...just maybe...at least for us the most life changing and life altering year of our entire lives. i love the something like cancer can do that. for us it started with a cancer diagnosis and a road we hope to never walk again...but turned out to have everything to do with the Lord and what He did in us and through us with cancer. the Lord is good!

being in a new town i was a little nervous about what my birthday would be like...i pleasantly surprised. the mailbox was filled with cards. the door rang a few times with friends holding flowers and one time holding a peanut butter cup blizzard from dairy queen. my favorite. phone calls, texts, emails, and facebook messages came rolling in all day. what a gift it was. i am not always sure what to make of my birthday. make it a big deal? at like you don't really care when really you do? keep it on the down low? tell everyone? either way my birthday came and went and it was full of love, encouragement, friends, and family (both near and far).

i would like to share one email and a few texts that really stood out yesterday. thank you for writing, for reading our story, and being willing to share your heart. not everyone does that so thank you.

an email from a dear friend...Happy Birthday! I hope today is filled with many joys, time with Justin and Ava. One thing that has changed about you and your family is the gift of celebration. You have been freed from Lymphoma a celebration should occur everyday in your family. I am glad that you are celebrating today, for your birth! Jesus brought you into to this world so that he could use you to glorify himself. He loves you and wanted to you be here. And Jesus still wants you to be here, that is why you are cancer free. woo! As I am writing this I am thinking how little I celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus. I have been learning to have an eternal perspective on life. It's a hard thing to learn, not very easy to grasp. But when I look at your life it reminds me, it's simple. There's nothing hard about it. Praise Jesus and love others. Live as if you are living in eternity. Celebrating Jesus and His faithfulness everyday. Thanks for being such a wonderful example to me. Your cancer changed so many people's lives and perspectives. Ava has a wonderful Mother and I can't wait for her to really know that. So Happy Birthday to a wonderful and beautiful Mother!

I read your Triple R post and just about sobbed my eyes out. It's such a blessing to hear you being a Mother to Ava and loving her. Taking the pretzels that she doesn't want, hugging her and kissing her, and loving other people in front of her. But the last part of the post really got me tearing up. i pray i never leave this place. sick or healthy i will cling to you. What a beautiful statement. I'm sure that was very hard for you to pray at the time. But even that prayer glorified Jesus. Thanks for sharing some of your prayers to Jesus. I have prayed some of your prayers before.Thanks for allowing me to be apart of your life. So thank you for spending time with me. I appreciate it more than you know.

***

this text came at 11:15pm...Lib, took a ride down memory lane with your blog and even watched avas birth video Haha:) was in tears like five different times reading it. I am so grateful for you Justin And Ava. So lucky you live around the corner. Still can't believe you had cancer. Wow. Hope you are celebrating health but especially God's grace today on your birthday!

this text came at 1am...Started reading the blog from the beginning and started sobbing in the library. (embarrassing) I can't believe you had cancer. I can't believe it's gone. Holy crap Jesus is so good.

***

what i love is that in three different cities, three different girls were entering into our story at the same time. i am humbled and thankful for community and for friendship. although our story of cancer is not that unique. in many ways it was very uncomplicated and straightforward. but what i am reminded of daily is that it was so unique. not because of me or justin or even ava. but because the Lord wrote this story. we gave it to Him and allowed Him to move. my hope is that our story of cancer is one of joy in the midst of pain. one of choosing hope while facing death. choosing to trust the Lord and not ourselves. i want to remember this everyday but i think it will be an extra reminder every november 15th.

thank you for another year and for those who were celebrating alongside us.

***

this is my thanksgiving road trip reading...one thousand gifts by ann voskamp. all i hear is that this book is excellent and life changing. so i am on board with that.

www.aholyexperience.com

triple r ranch and getting up early.

2011-11-14T17:06:00.000-08:00

weekend recap...but first her scrunched little nose. so precious.

we spent the weekend in chesapeake and it felt good. the drive there took forever. sometimes it flies by and other times is seems to crawl. we hit traffic basically everywhere you could imagine. thankfully ava was great. she does well on road trips and that eases my anxiety. as long as she has her books. dvd player and she some snacks, preferably the small stick pretzels. i had mixed the sticks and the twists into the bag i gave her and from the back seat she said, "here you go momma.." as she handed me, one at a time each of the twists. she knows what she likes. can't argue with that.

we spent some time praying for the weekend and justin practiced two of this four talks (he is speaking this coming weekend in Ohio and we are going to video tape them this time. in case you would be interested in hearing him speak). i am bias. always will be. but they were really great. justin is a phenomenal public speaker and that was clear after he shared this weekend. the truth of who Jesus is and why He came to this earth and what that means for our life now. it means everything. i sat in the back of the room as he shared about sin and the condition of our hearts. he shared our story. the day we were diagnosed and how i was dying on the inside even though from the outside i appeared fine. so it is with our condition of sin. we may appear to be fine but in actuality we are dying. i wept. a steady stream of tears that i could not seem to stop. i went back to where we once were and how our life, our story, our cancer is being used for something so much greater. that was our hope from day one.

in addition to the scrunched nose she is loving the lip. not when she is sad just whenever she feels like it. usually if makes an appearance when she is acting shy or nervous or clingy.

ava and her favorite guys. but daddy is her most favorite.

we had great time with friends this weekend. thanks grassfield girls for taking the time to grab coffee and come to triple r. we loved being with you all this weekend. what a joy you are to my life.

thanks leslie for taken some picture for us. loved meeting your high school girls and getting the chance to spend this time together. your friendship is so dear to me.

i have been talking about this forever and not actually following through with it...but today i did it.

i got up before ava.

i had time to drink coffee. spend time with the Lord. shower. respond to emails. start laundry. all before ava woke up. i am going to try and do this every day from now on...i felt entirely different having spent time with the Lord before anything else began. it was a joy. will try again tomorrow.

this morning i was looking back on my journal and read this from when i was sick...

dear you. i love you. for many reasons but mostly because i deserve nothing and you give me everything. thank you for providing me your arms when i can not seem to stand alone. i pray i never leave this place. sick or healthy i will cling to you.

my desire remains the same although i am in a much different season of life. i know i am quick to forget the utter dependence i had on the Lord when i was sick. but i want to remain solely dependent on Him. even though i fail everyday.

what about you?

tomorrow is a special day. a little bittersweet. celebrating life but quickly recalling the fear in wondering...will i be here for another birthday? the answer is YES! YES! YES! tomorrow we will celebrate.

a few things i seriously love.

2011-11-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

let's begin shall we...i have bought something from each of our sponsors this month and i believe in what they are about and the products they sell.

*anything bold or larger font is a link. press it and you will be directed to a site.

1. i love tissue poms. if you are not sure what i am talking about look HERE so we are all on the same page before you keep reading. i love how they look. i love the color combination and various shapes and sizes. i love it. i think it adds SO much to the decor of a party, bedroom, wedding, nursery. any event really. a few months back i decided i wanted some tissue poms for above ava's glider in her nursery. so i ordered from the best. no joke. even before she became a sponsor on our blog i had seen her poms everywhere (websites, magazines, blogs, friend's houses). they are dainty, colorful, affordable, and really well made. she is hooking you up with 15%. enjoy.

PomLove sprouted in early 2008 by a crafty mom who was experimenting with handmade decorations for her 6 year-old's birthday party. It evolved into a business that same year - partially due to countless requests for poms from family and friends. PomLove is the original (that's right, the very first!) pom shop on Etsy, providing the biggest, fullest and most vibrant tissue paper poms, made from 100% recycled paper. With over 80 colors to choose from, and dozens of color combinations available, they are sure to brighten up any space - whether it's for your next party, or just to brighten up a room. Take a look at all of the eye-candy: www.PomLove.etsy.com - then use coupon code BLOG15 to get 15% off of your order with us.

2. i think superheros are cool. i am not actually into comics or anything but the idea of kids pretending and using your imagination is my idea of a good time. i have such great memories of that growing up with my neighborhood friends. i saw these capes last fall when i was sick and spending a lot of time on the internet. i saw them and loved them. i proceeded to order 6 capes for my niece and nephews for Christmas and ava wears her all the time. they are fun, unique, affordable, and a customized gift for any kid. especially since most kids i know (including little ava) love to dress up and pretend and these capes are perfect for just that.

We’ve always been struck by the importance of creative development and imaginative play for children. The quest to keep pace with our own children’s imagination led to a number of costumes and creative projects. Whatever it took to unplug our kids from the TV and help them build a world of their own. Eventually a birthday present for a daughter’s friend turned into a booth at a craft fair, and then an online shop. Almost two years (and thousands of capes) later Pip & Bean sells custom superhero capes, costumes, masks…etc. all over the world. Pip & Bean is an active supporter of “Inspiration Through Art” (www.inspirationthroughart.org) an awesome NPO that supports children with illnesses by helping them see their own inner super hero. enter LIBBY11 during checkout in the "Notes to Pip & Bean" section and receive a free pair of armbands with every cape ordered. Check out Pip & Bean at http://www.etsy.com/shop/pipandbean

3. katie is back this month as a sponsor and sweet friend just had a baby boy, jude. so precious.

since having real short hair these past months i have been wearing earrings more than ever. i love how they look and katie's designs are so cute and super affordable. they are a perfect Christmas gift or stocking stuffer and just for our readers enjoy 10% off this month.

One Delightful Button started when I found a jar of old buttons at an antique store. I knew there had to be some fun things I could do with these vintage buttons. My shop features jewelry, accessories and other fun things all surrounding the buttons. All the items are handmade by me & come packaged ready for gift giving. All orders needed for Christmas must be placed by December 17th to make sure to arrive on time! This month receive 10% off my shop by typing 'libby' in at as the coupon code. check out One Delightful Button at http://www.onedelightfulbutton.com

enjoy checking each of them out. we are headed back to chesapeake this weekend for justin to speak at a young life fall weekend trip for high schools students. looking forward to hearing him share the gospel and spending time with friends.

enjoy your weekend.

just a little thought.

2011-11-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

read THIS first please.

not much to say i just like ashley's heart. although our blog is not that big of a deal (within the whole blog world spectrum) but it is important to me. for so many reasons. it began simply to share that i had cancer and when my next appointment was and when chemo would start. but it has proved to be so much more for me and for those that read it. it did provide information and help people to share in our journey through cancer...but based on the emails, letters, packages, facebook messages, texts, and the mere fact the people keep reading i know the Lord is doing more.

to be honest i do get caught up sometimes in it all ...how many readers, how many followers, blog comments, sponsors, writing a book, making money by writing. i do not think these are necessarily bad things. the blog is my heart. i spend a lot of time sharing our life with people. i love it. i love to see the Lord working in it and in people. it is such a gift. truly it is. i do not want to stop. but my hope is that my heart is like ashley...i care more about being a mom. wife. and friend than a blogger or author. her words stopped me for a moment to check myself. my own motives. my own heart. the honest truth is that i do want the blog to grow. i would love to write a book. i want to share our story with anyone who will listen because i know the Lord did something miraculous through cancer in us and through us. we want Him to be known and to be glorified.

if i do write a book one day and a few people read it and our blog grows and our story is shared that would be a dream come true for me. just another way of not wasting your hearty and your story. i think following your dreams is what it is all about. we have gifts that we must share. we have voices that need to be heard. i am quick to read/hear other people's stories and be encouraged and think "wow they did it. that is awesome. they are making their dreams a reality. i love that." but when it comes to my own life i am often stuck. not sure what to do or what it will look like or how i will even get there. so i do nothing.

but i feel clear on this...i will keep writing and sharing our story. our story of cancer and our story of knowing Christ more after cancer. maybe i will write a book one day. even if no one in the world reads it but justin and my family that is okay. that is enough. i want to keep my heart in check that this is not about being important or making money...even though a little money would be nice. this is because i believe our story should not be wasted. it is worth telling. i believe the Lord is in this and will open and close doors where necessary.

do not minimize the importance of checking your own heart.
or
sharing your own story
or
being a dreamer & following those dreams.

***if you want to vote for ava and her rooster sound in the fisher price animal sound contest vote HERE. she could win $10,000 for college.

a family weekend.

2011-11-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

this weekend was a good combination of what justin and i needed. a little alone time. some family time. and some great time with friends. some of our dearest friends in the world. weekends do not happen like this all the time. what is funny is that we got in a little argument and i was horribly sick on sunday with a migraine but still...it was so good and so needed.

we are not the best at really connecting and getting back on the same page after we are away from each other for a little bit. 9 days was a long time for us. since we arrived home in the middle of the work week it was hard to get the time in that we knew we wanted and knew we needed.

but this weekend it happened.

first here is ava after she got a hold of my mostly empty iced mocha. a nice little chocolate ring around her face. come on that's precious.

on friday night i had some jmu girls over on friday to see our house, paint nails, and a look at our wedding video. i have not watched it in a while and i could not believe how young we looked. my long hair. so innocent in so many ways. not having the faintest idea what our future would hold. what a reminder it was to me that who you choose. the one person you choose to spend your life with is essential. in countless ways. but it struck me while reliving our wedding day through that video how important it is to be with someone that you know will or you hope will rise to the occasion in how they will handle, cope, and work through the pain, struggles, and heartache. it is "easy" to be married when things are just simple and happy and fun. but what about when it is hard or when you are forced to walk down a foreign scary road...not because you chose it but because it chose you.

our vows. wow they hit me hard. i got a giant lump in my throat..

in sickness and in healing we repeated to one another.

what occurred to me is that we did not say the more traditional...in sickness and in health. but instead healing and healing we did and healing we are.

i choose you. i will always choose you. picture taken circa 2008.

the girls stayed with ava and we headed to a late night movie. we like movies. it is a little annoying when you spend $20 and the movie is not that good. we saw Ides of March. it was good. but not great.

saturday we got up. put on leggings and sweatshirts. not justin but us girls. i seem to dress ava like i do although i do not mean to at all. it just happens. we headed to panera. drank coffee and ate pastry's.
played in the backyard and ran around. ava napped. justin read. i did a craft i found on pinterest.

found some fabric pieces from my craft bin. cut the sizes needed. rolled them. hot glued them. added some buttons. nothing fancy. but it was easy and i think it's pretty cute.

then we headed to rockbridge (a young life camp). one of our most favorite places on earth. we are now only an hour from camp which is so great. it was a beautiful drive but a little too sunny for ava.

this drive needed to happen. justin and i were able to share our hearts. really talk about what is going on and how we are doing with everything in our life. the move, new job, new relationships, new responsibilities, new work, insecurities, fears, frustrations, joys, our future. i appreciate my husband's honesty so much. it was good to get on the same page.

the few hours we spent at rockbridge were such a gift. seriously. i love it there. i love it there. i love it.

cliff you did incredible. laura you are adorable pregnant. can't wait to find out if ava is right about there being a little boy inside your tummy.

we deeply love so many of you who were there. both from our new town harrisonburg and sweet sweet chesapeake. we are thankful to be in your lives. whether near or far. even though far is sometimes hard. thank you for how much you all love ava. you know who you are. i wonder if she has any idea how loved she is?

mostly there is nothing like being in a room full of hundreds and hundreds of high school students who are given the chance. if they choose. to move from death to life.

now it's monday...let the week begin.

don't waste your life changer.

2011-11-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

the plan was to post about the house today. for the weekly: don't waste your space.

but instead this is my heart.

i just got from a new friend's house where she and i talked and got to know each other (i seriously like her. like for real for real) while trying to make sure each of our 22 month old daughters were sharing and not pushing and using their manners. it is usually how it goes with mom's. just trying to get a word in between the regular interruption of your kids.

the funny thing i am experiencing as i meet new people is when do i drop the bomb? how do i casual say the 'ol...

"so i had cancer this past year."

when is a good time? do i need to tell them? do i want to tell them? how can i not tell them i mean it colors so much about my life. in many ways all aspects of who i am now have a hint of it. a little bit of cancer touched this part me and this part and this part and this part and you get it.

how does one even respond to that..."i had cancer." most of the time the first response is...i am so sorry. how did you find out? what was chemo like? how was that raising ava? so are you okay now? to which i begin to tell our story.

in my head i am anticipating it because i know that it is coming. i mean i said this and that leads to that to which clearly points to...telling our story. i am quickly discovering no matter how many times i have told it and for the hundreds of times i will tell it again. it is sad and it is hard and it is sobering. i hate leaving out details but there are so many layers i can not possibly share everything in one morning play date. let alone the last ten minutes before i have to go.

i think to myself this is not doing it justice. there is so much more to say. so much to share. it runs so deep into who i am and where i have been and where i am going. i find myself saying...

"i have this blog and you can read the whole story there."

like some coward. it is easier to point people to this place than to really go there. but don't get me wrong i like deep. i like genuine. i like honest. i like real. i hope i am and desire to be those things. but i can't share it all at one time. i know that. logically i do. but my heart screams for wanting to share everything.

what i learned. how it changed me. why i am who i am today. what was scary. what sucked. what hurt. what i missed out on. what i regret. what i wish were different. why i am thankful. how it is all a gift. every last bit of it and how i myself fail to live that out each and everyday.

how for me many times there are just no words to even express what my heart feels.

my big life changer was cancer. but maybe for you it's parental problems. job loss. miscarriage. child on drugs. abuse at home. depression. anxiety. broken relationships. illness. fear. loneliness. you name it it's out there. whatever is changing you and forming you and molding you is your life changer. we all have one. not to scare you. maybe yours will not come in the form of anything i listed. maybe you will be given the gift of not walking through the valley. but if are or have or may in the future i know it is hard. i know talking about and sharing your story is not easy. but i think it changes things. i think it can take relationships to the next level when we share our stories. the bad and the good. the joy in the midst of the pain. or just the joy. or just the pain.

we are who we are for so many reasons. some traits are things we are proud of and others not so much. but either way the Lord is renewing us day by day. trust Him with your life. live as if you are not your own.

i am thankful for cancer. if you read this blog you have heard it before and you will hear it again. i love that i am thankful for something that still makes me cry when i talk about it. that brings me right back to all of it. every last bit of it. i get a lump in my throat the size of an orange and i have hard time keeping it together. that thing. that crazy...i actually had cancer? not a day goes by where i do not say that sentence in my head. the thoughts of i could have died. but i didn't. i hate so much about cancer but yet remain grateful for how it literally continues to transform everything.

don't waste your life changer.

don't waste your valley.

don't waste your mountain top.

the Lord is in it all.

can't get enough of that rooster.

2011-11-03T06:31:00.000-07:00

disclaimer: first off this is kind of a joke but if she did win it would be funny. as her momma i do think how she says...cock a doodle do is hilarious and really cute.

last week i posted THIS video of ava. we were at the park and i caught her saying her animal sounds on video. the rooster is the best part. after posting that on the blog my friend cory emailed me and said...you should enter ava's rooster sound into THIS contest. it is a fisher price animal sounds contest.

it must be said i am not exploiting ava or trying to make money off her sweet little rooster call...but it would be cool if she actually won.

so...if you like her video and want to vote for little ava you can do so HERE.

if you are so inclined you can vote once a day until 11.30.2011. so we got 27 days to vote. let's do this.

reality hits hard.

2011-11-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

ava and i arrived home last night after a nine day trip to ky. that is a long time. in a good way. my anxiety about flying alone with ava eased as we made it through the first leg of the trip in glorious fashion. i am not sure who that little girl was who flew with me yesterday but either way it made for an easy plane ride home. we were greeted by justin and as soon as ava saw him she went running. i love the love between them. ava has always been a bit of a momm'a girl but that is changing more and more. anytime i mentioned dadda while we are gone...she would pretend cry. she sure did miss him. i missed him too.

it was sad to leave. the little glimpse of life right near my family was nice. but it was just a glimpse. it was all about several days of halloween festivities, the horse track, running errands, meals out, shopping, starbucks, late night talking and the honest joy of simply being together.

i know that being close with your family and your in laws is such a gift. they are not really in laws to me. that is just what everyone says i guess. it is always so clear to me when i am there and then when i leave and look back...what a treasure family is. i am thankful for mine. more now than ever.

so now we are home and it is about laundry. bills. cleaning up. grocery shopping. catching up with friends, running errands. emails. phone calls and finding a little job. (yup i am going to start working again. just not sure what that will look like or what i am doing. still holding out for that perfect scenario where i can still be home with ava, have flexibility, and make money. does that exist? if so please let me know).

i told justin this morning reality hits hard. boom back from vacation and it starts. i know it is normal because we all experience it but i wish we got just one day to chill and ease back into it. not the case.
but i would not trade little vacations for anything in the world. even when the coming home part is hard. it still is worth it. more than worth it.

a few highlights from the trip:
*a nice little road trip with roma and ava.
*being with my dear dear friends in lexington and finally seeing all there pretty houses.
*errands with my sister. (seriously i like being the passenger)
*ava with her cousins.
*ava holding her own with her two big boy cousins.
*ella's deep love for ava or as jack now calls her...avie
*drinking lots of coffee.
*celebratory dinners out and in.
(it is funny when you start writing your highlights down and realize you could about 50. that means it was a good trip.)
*the four days worth of halloween events.
*pedicures. opi's private jet. i love it. (thanks aunt janie)
*putting my niece to bed. wait...her requesting that i put her to bed. enough said.
*being genuinely proud of ava and her behavior and the little girl she is becoming. i love her so.
*sisters.
*realizing as ava and i sat on the plane about to take off sitting in her own little seat that my baby is not a baby anymore. but a talking. running. really smart little girl.

there is something unique about life now. just the deep sense of thankfulness that i feel in my heart. i may not always act like it and i get caught up in life and everything going on. but my heart. it bursts with joy for where i am today and where i was last year. even though i hate my hair right now. more than ever in this whole growing it out process...thanks angie and allison for your styling assistance. i know that it could be much worse than worrying about my silly hair. i am thankful to be here and to meet people who have shared in our story and the encouragement they found. to hear of more women battling through where we were last year. thank you for reaching out and allowing me to enter into your story.

to never going back but only moving forward.

that smile.

let's end with a little video of ava dancing. she is currently obsessed with the movie happy feet...
you may want to turn down the volume because my voice is obnoxiously loud. sorry about that.

a little halloween preview.

2011-10-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

kentucky continues to treat us so well. we love it here. it has really been a great visit. we have had so much fun with our family and ava with her cousins are priceless. it would be nice if we all lived in the same place. here are some pictures of our trip so far. a little fun at the mall. a surprise birthday dinner for allison and an elementary school dance party at my nephew's school. ava loved it. she wanted to dance on stage. i am not ready for that yet...

enjoy your saturday. ours has been good. started with ava sleeping in. some pedicures with my aunt who is in town from chicago. some shopping. now watching u of m football. more halloween festivities tonight. more piggy to come. i love the fall.

don't waste your saturday.

ava loves her cousins.

2011-10-26T17:50:00.000-07:00

kentucky never disappoints. i love it here. it was sad leaving angie and her sweet little silas but it helped that we were headed to see my sister's and my nieces and nephews. it made it easier to leave because we knew where we were headed. louisville.

it was my oldest sister's birthday on tuesday so we entered with balloons and champagne upon arrival. then some sushi with allison and her girlfriends. visit was starting off well. there is something special about hugging your sister when you walk in the door and you both cry. it means this love is deep. what a gift she is to me. i really am so thankful. we love a good birthday. it was pretty relaxed. a night on the couch watching bridesmaids with my big sister. can't beat it.

ava slept in this morning. love it. sometimes she surprises me. headed to starbucks to see sara and meet little baby cash for the first time. picture to come. ava loves baby cash. then it got even better when we picked up jack and ella from school. o-b-s-e-s-s-e-d does not even describe ava's love for big jack, wade, ella, little jack, and cash. i love it. there really is nothing better than seeing them all together. we miss you little drake. not much to share but some pictures. we are having fun. ava's misses her daddy. i do too.

we love a little birthday.

this was the picture sara sent me while we were driving over to there house for all the kids to play. waiting patiently by the door for little ava to arrive. then they all smothered each other for the next two hours. it was perfect.

i love that this trip happened. i love that it was not really planned and then it just happened.

make the time for this. for your family and the people you love the most. it has been such a precious time so far...more to come this week.

do not miss our sponsors from this month. offering some great deals just for you. check um out HERE.
if you would like to advertise your goods with us email me at libbyryderblog@gmail.com.

when possible...make sure your kids know their cousins. it melts my heart to see them love each other.