Monday, January 31, 2011

in less than a month...

we will have the results. the results of my final pet scan post chemotherapy. i have one more treatment to go. then a pet scan. and then on 2.23.11 we will meet with my doctor to discuss the results. almost 6 months to the day from when this began. and its my mom's birthday that day too. so praying for good news. clearly.

this past treatment went well. one of my best. which really gives me the gusto i need for number 12. the last sister took great care of ava and me. we could not have done it without her. i was telling her yesterday that i sorta forgot things i may or may not have said on thursday and friday. at the time i felt totally with it and completely coherent. but when i think back it gets a little blurry. its not like i forgot everything we said or did. because we did talk serious. in a good serious way. and i meant everything i said. its just a bit foggy. i had lots of drugs in my system. but either way it was nice to be with my older sister and talk about husbands, babies, clothes, our homes, friends, living in new places, and drinking lots of dunkin donuts.

on friday i took a bath. i lit candles. and things seemed really clear to me. i felt strong. i felt at peace. i felt a little nauseous. but mostly i felt more confident than i have in a while. about cancer and marriage and being a mom and friendships and what it all means. and mostly i still have no idea what it all means. but for a brief moment. in the midst of feeling a little sad. i was not angry or anxious. i sent this text to justin not the same person i was six months ago. i am so much stronger and more in love with jesus than ever. i would never take back cancer. not for a million dollars. jesus knew what thru this pain he was going to teach me more than i ever could have could have imagined. i think what i learned the most. well, the two things: trust and strength. i experienced maybe for the first time what it means to really trust God with my life. you have to. there was nothing else to put my hope in. and although we do not know my exact future yet in terms of cancer and if it does or does not still exist in my body. i learned how to trust. really trust when you do not know what is coming. or how hard cancer will be. or if i can do it. or how bad it will hurt. or what i will miss with ava. and how it will impact justin and my family. or my friends. and what it will mean for the rest of my life. but i learned that being anxious and worrying about something that i can not control is a waste of my time. am i still scared? yes a little. do i think about the what ifs? sure i do. but i know God is in this. all of it. the letters i get. the emails. the new friendships. the people we were meant to meet. that had i not gotten sick we may have had no reason for our lives to intertwine. i have never felt more loved in all my life than i have in the past six months. peoples true colors come out when you get cancer. sometimes good and sometimes not as good. but for me. for us. its been more than mostly good. its been real good. the biggest shocker though. is the strangers. the people who have never met me or my family and still take the time to write emails. read the blog. comment on the blog. send gifts. pray. and pray hard. its made all the difference. so thank you.

now strength. i had no idea. i literally had no idea i would actually be able to do this. but i did. i am doing it. i do not say that in a prideful way. i say that in a kind of...i am surprised way. i pretended to be strong back in august when everything was happening so quick and i was not even given a chance to think or process anything. i just kept moving. we just kept moving. i have said this a few times since getting sick, but i think its true. we are stronger than we think we are. really. we are. i promise. you might surprise yourself. i know i did. but i know that for me my strength did not come from within necessarily. i was too weak. too tired. too angry. too sick. too scared. but God is strong. He is the strongest. and He gave me the strength when i did not have any. and He used my husband. my sweet ava. my family. my friends. and so many people i have never met to bear this burden with me. i was not alone. we are not alone now. and i can feel it. i have been so encouraged lately by the flood of emails i have received. i read them. every single one and they have made all the difference. so thank you.

to justin. my dear husband. i am sorry you have had to endure this. i often have no idea what is going on in your head or your heart. as its sometimes to hard to talk about cancer and the fact that i have it. but thank you for sharing your heart a little on saturday night at rockbridge. thank you for representing our family when i couldn't. i have missed so much. and my heart is so ready to do life with you again outside of the river house.

we are almost done.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

in bed.

this is where i spend a lot of time after chemo. my bed. its been nice this time that my sister is here because then i am not in bed alone. we can lay together and share our hearts and connect and do what sisters do. thanks to ava for taking four hour naps the past two days. i have not been nearly as sick as i have been in the past after chemo. thank goodness. just real real exhausted. ava is still sick and i hate it. she has the worst little cough and it breaks my heart. but at least she is sleeping okay. minus last night. she was up on and off from like 2-5am (i slept through it all). that is why allison here. so thank you. been thinking a lot about cancer and my heart and how much i have changed since getting sick. but i am too exhausted to write it all down. so that will come later. but we are okay. two sick girls. but one big sister taking care of it all.

we miss you babe. see you tomorrow.

ps. if you like to run or if you like nashville tn or if you just like our family. check out team libbyangie and sarah you are good good friends. thank you and we love you.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

chemo number 11.

i feel strangely good this morning. not rushed at all. got everything ready for ava so my sister knows her schedule and everything. i even made myself coffee. took a long shower. it is not the usual anxiousness of running around trying to get everything together and not forgetting to take my medicine and put my numbing ointment on my port. i feel ready. it only took me this long to feel ready. ready for what is to come in about an hour or so. just when i am about to be done i finally get a little comfortable with this whole...getting chemotherapy thing. maybe you are never meant to get "used to" this. and that is good with me. chemo is simply a means to an end. we hate chemo. but we know i need it and know its what saved me. so secretly we like it. just not the actually going to chemo part.

please pray the i do not throw up all through treatment today. please pray i fall asleep. pray i am strong because i have been crying a little more lately about cancer. and i would rather not cry there.

ava has a double ear infection. nasty runny nose. which i told someone yesterday that because she is my daughter, my dear sweet ava. that even when she rubs her snot on me. i don't mind. i am sure that is gross to most of you. maybe if you are a mom you get it. or maybe i am not normal. either way. she has a bad cough too. pray she heals. please. both of us sick is hard. her being sick is so hard for me. especially when i can not care for her the way i want to. but my sister allison is here and i know she will love ava extra hard for me. but its still not me.

off we go. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

cancer is strange sometimes.

its so weird that one second i will feel totally fine and then the next second i am nauseous and too exhausted to drive. that's what happened today. i think i was on a little adrenaline high from this past weekend. seriously i think i was. because this morning our sweet friend dee came over with a meal and we chatted for a while. it was great. i felt alive. it was life giving. not draining. really. i totally felt normal. it had been a great morning with ava and she went down for her morning nap like a champ. even when i left for my doctors appointment i felt pretty good. but as soon as i walked into the waiting room i felt so gross. and usually that only happens during chemo days. but not today. it was bad. i sat in the waiting area and got so sad. sad that i was even there. i do not belong here. and i cried. i have only cried like twice at an appointment since this started. thats pretty good i think. and even when i went back to the treatment room to see my nurse and get my blood results i had to leave the room. just like i did on my first day in there. it was all just too much for me today. i kept thinking over and over...this place is not for me. i felt young because everyone getting chemo today was old. so much older than me. and i felt more out of place than i ever have. so i asked noura if i could wait in my doctors waiting area until my lab work came in and she said yes. and because she is so sweet she came out there with me and we talked about life and how our real friendship will begin once i am done with chemo. because right now the sight of her makes me sick. its not her fault. but she is the one putting poison inside my body every other thursday since august. and i dislike her and love her at the same time. and we laugh about it. i do love her more than i dislike her. my counts were low. not super low but low enough that i needed a shot. so i got my shot and was on my way. and the entire drive home i felt like my eye balls have never been heavier. but i made it. and i kept moving. in fear that if i stopped i would not be able to start up again. 

just when i am able to forget. even for a little bit the fact that i have cancer. it seems to creep right back. but soon it will be gone forever. and that is a very nice thought. two more to go. are you kidding me? did i just type TWO. i most certainly did. 

today was a long full day. and the house is a mess of half unpacked suitcases and loads of laundry to do. trying to get it all done before thursday. so tomorrow we got nothing. and that sounds nice. 

**a sweet book club in richmond, va is raising money for our family via an etsy website. check it out here.**

Monday, January 24, 2011

our little adventure.

about a month ago. well it really started back in august when my sister in law was in town right after we got the cancer diagnosis. i told her i was having a real hard time sleeping. so she decided to set me up with a little google reader and added some of her favorite blogs. something for me to read at 2am or 4am when my mind was racing. one of the blogs was enjoying the small things. a blog by kelle hampton. check it out. its big. and inspiring. begin with the birth story. needless to say i started reading it. loved it. and found joy in her writing, pictures, and her story. so when cancer was not that fun to talk about sara and i would text, chat, or email about kelle's blog posts and it began to be something we enjoyed to together although states away. so a month or so ago when kelle mentioned her daughter's upcoming birthday...sara texts me with...wouldn't it be fun to go to nella's party (kelle's daughter. who is ava's age). to which i respond...i will email her. and sara says...okay if you get us invited to this party i will fly us to there. so i decided to casually send kelle an email. and i did not tell sara or justin. in case i never heard back from her or whatever. well when i woke up the next morning at 7:30am there was an email from kelle. i was shocked. this women has thousands. maybe millions reading her blog. no joke. but she said come. with open arms she invited us. not knowing us. or whether or not we were crazy. she got us. she understood it. so we went. the floyds and the ryders flew to naples. to help celebrate nella. meet family. meet friends. share in it all. and man...did we share.

we have great husbands. they willingly took off work. watched the kids so we could hang out with kelle, meet her friends, and go to isle of capri although it was a little cold and mostly just a girl thing. they helped make this entire weekend possible. as soon as we received the email from kelle justin said...we have to go. i have not seen you this excited about something in a while. we need to go. and we will make it happen. and we did.

it was a great combination of our family sharing an unexpected wintertime vacation together and sharing in the festivities of the weekend with kelle, her family, and her dear dear friends. we shared a hotel suite with the floyds. that was a little crazy with ava and jack and isabella running around. but we laughed. and we laughed hard. ate good food. and just spent time together. it was so nice. and i did not feel sick at all. writing that made me cry. i like not feeling sick. i like that the only thing that reminded me i had cancer this weekend was my hat. and meeting new people where in turn i shared our cancer story a few times. and i felt loved. and strong. and it was good.

thanks for a really special weekend.

 isle of capri 

Friday, January 21, 2011


we are on vacation. all is well. more than well. enjoy the sunshine and our family. no chemo until next thursday. enjoying a break from feeling sick. ava is doing better too.

Monday, January 17, 2011

my heart.

i feel a little broken today. mostly because i finished this book yesterday and oddly enough watched an interview on nightline with michelle williams about heath ledgers death (weird i know. as they are celebrities). the book is called the middle place. its about a women who is married and has two young daughters. its her journey of breast cancer. and in the middle of her own diagnosis, her father is diagnosed with cancer as well. although it was sad in parts. it did help me begin to process cancer. and what is means and what is does not mean. and that its okay to feel the way i do because someone else with cancer has felt that way too. and in the interview how everything in life can change in a mere instant. not something i recommend obsessing about as it could cripple your life. and the joy in it. to live in such fear. so its not that it made me scared. it reminded me that its true. and part of me is beginning to mourn the loss of the past five months. for what i thought they would look like. and feel like. and what would happen. and how it looked terribly different than i ever imagined. and as you know. if you read this blog. i am joyful. i trust God. i know He is using our cancer. but at the same time i think its okay and normal and possibly therapeutic to feel sad. and angry. and to really begin to talk about the parts of my heart that hold lots of pain. and simply deep deep sadness over cancer and what it does to you and how it changes you. forever. that this morning for example. life with no cancer would mean ava would eat her banana nut cheerios in her highchair. justin would make coffee. and we could talk in the kitchen about what we had going on today. and if ava slept through the night...

and all that is true but this conversation was added. today justin said...i think its time. time to shave your head. to which i respond...what? really? you think? why? i mean i am almost done? to which he says...babe, you told me to tell you when it was time. to which i say...i hate you (but i don't really. and i told him that after i said it). to which he you really want to wait until you only have three hairs left? i laugh. because that is funny...but maybe i do. we go back and forth. i even try my wig on for the first time. i hate it. he says i look beautiful and that i would no matter what. to which i say...thank you. but come on i hope i look better with hair. and because i am in denial and will continue to be i say...babe, everyone tells me it looks good and they are surprised i still even have some hair (but as i type this i am thinking...possibly everyone who has said this is lying). so he says...okay. don't shave it then. so we/i opt out of shaving for today and instead use my trusty old hats.

what is interesting to me is that last night before bed. for the first time in a while. like a while while. i took out my handheld mirror and checked the back of my head out in the mirror. since i do not check it out that often i was a bit shocked at what i saw. wow. getting pretty thin. but put the mirror away and went to bed. and then we had the conversation we had this morning.

so that is was what our conversation over breakfast looked like. and its fine. because life never turns out exactly the way we thought or imagined. at least not every detail. and that is okay. life is hard sometimes. but for today. or maybe the past week or so i starting to process cancer a bit more. maybe something that is impossible to do right in the middle of it all. i do not think you can really. and what i feel in my soul is so hard to articulate. because its bigger than just sadness or anger. its beginning to realize that in many ways i am not who i was before. but also still very much the same. can the two exist? i think so. and i sometimes think i am supposed to come to some conclusion or answer about it all. all that is going on inside my heart and head. but i know i don't. not yet at least. and maybe not ever. it will simply be a new chapter in my life. one that i did not think i would ever need to include. but i do.

Friday, January 14, 2011

turning a corner.

usually three days after chemo i finally begin to feel a little better. still tired and lazy, but not nearly as sick. ava is still sick and i hate it. thankfully we have an appointment with the doctor today and we can figure out what is going on with her. i do not do well when my daughter is sick. and then i really do not do well when i am sick on top of it. but we made it. we made it through the toughest days post chemo. and little ava was so sick on tuesday, but so precious. she woke up at like 6pm from her afternoon nap and justin brought her into bed with me. and although i wish more than anything that ava would cuddle with us...its just not her style. but on this tuesday night it was all she wanted. and i will never forget it. i will hold on to it deep in my heart. i held her in my arms and within minutes she was asleep. she woke up ten minutes later and took a few bites of bread (we were trying to get her to eat). she ate and then feel back asleep on me again. then woke up, ate some bread, and feel asleep again. i can not even find the words. but before we knew it was 8pm and we decided to steam up the bathroom to help with her congestion. well as our sweet naked ava laid in my arms, with the shower running, she fell right to sleep. it melted our hearts. its something inside a parent. can't explain it. but your child's pain is always more important and grander than your own.  justin loves to sit in the bathroom and read with the shower on. its his favorite. so we were not surprised that maybe ava enjoys the same thing as her daddy. she stayed asleep as we put her diaper on. her pajamas on. and then her sleep sack. and that sweet sick baby slept through the night. it was all we needed.

chemo has just been a lot for me this time. not sure why exactly. just emotionally exhausted. trying to muster the strength for two more. which i know i will. i have said to justin a lot this week that i am just done. i am over it. i am tired. i am sick of cancer. on tuesday night when we were laying in bed justin said to me, "i just miss seeing you happy. like genuinely happy." obviously i immediately want to defend myself and say i have been happy. i am happy. i am not depressed. but i do not think that was what he was saying. of course there has been happiness and joy. but what has always been our dark cloud of cancer. we know it wont always be there. it will be lifted. and we will move past this season. but sometimes its just a lot for us. thank goodness we are not alone in this.

i was talking briefly to this women next to me at chemo. she had two treatments left too. and it was interesting because she felt the opposite as me. she said, you should have seen me in the beginning. they had to bring me in here in a wheelchair. i had nothing to give. i was scared and overwhelmed. but now i am ready to fight and end this thing strong. i think for me it has been very different. in the beginning i was so like we got this. we can do this. and just sorta went after it all. but now its harder to muster that same level of energy. and i hear that this is a little common. that the end of the line. although exciting. can be very draining. i think part of this is the emotional roller coaster of having a good week, then a sick week, good week, then a sick week. just ready for no more sick weeks.

but finally the end is in sight.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


well our sweet miss janurary slept through the night last night. yay. she is feeling a lot better today. so thankful. i am feeling alright. we had our dear friend pam over today and she took good care of ava so i could sleep. i am so appreciative. all i got for tonight. so sleepy. just got to get through these next couple days. but its tough. only two more. wow that sounds nice.

miss january...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

chemo number ten.

chemo went fine. i was so sick throughout the entire thing. but its over. and i am miserable.

but ava is sick too. she has her first real little cold. real congested. a cough. and a slight fever. we had a precious night with her. but i will blog about that later. i am just too tired right now.


i wanted to write real quick and ask those of you that read this blog and care about our family to pray. pray hard that ava sleeps through the night. no more cough. no more fever. and no more sneezing. she is so sleepy but is not able to stay asleep sleep since its hard for her to breathe. and we do not do well when our baby is sick. so please pray for her health. and then pray that we experience another miracle for me. little pain. little nausea. and the ability to sleep and recover quickly from chemo.

its getting hard around here at the ryder house.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

what's next.

we are all healthy here in the river house. thankfully i never got sick. which was great. this weekend has been extra special for me because i did not know i would have it. i mean a weekend where i felt good. i realize that it may seem silly that i love when chemo is cancelled only to be moved until a later date, but i like putting it off. but i also like being done. so its a toss up. today when ava woke up from her nap we went to target together. we like target. but i do hate it when i actually have money to spend i can not find anything i really like. it always seem to work out that way. but we were on our way and i was listening to music and just feeling really peaceful and content and happy. and i cried. because i do that sometimes. just happy that i am five months into cancer and i am not nearly as miserable as i feared i would be when i was anticipating what cancer would look like and feel like.

a lot of people have been saying things like...oh, man only three more. you are almost done.  which is a true statement. but its still three more. you want to go to one of my treatments for me? i am just finding that although i do only have three left and people are asking me about the future and what will life look like after cancer. i think i am trying not to get ahead of myself yet. because when i do i get excited and i just want feburary 8 to have come and gone. and even as i write that its awesome to think...less than 30 days until sucky, horrible, nasty, i hate you so much out of my life. i know its what's killing my cancer, but i passionately deep in my soul...hate chemo.

so i decided today that i am going to try and not worry about life after cancer yet. but simply live. and without being cliche...not worry about tomorow.

our good friends cliff and laura came down yesterday. and we talked yesterday afternoon about our lives and our marriages, and cancer. i thought about how august feels like years ago. not just 5 months ago. but another life. because life now is separated into pre cancer life and post cancer life. but the in between. the part we are in now. has been hard. and sad. and i cry (i just pretend to be strong when i am around other people. because i never want to dramatic or act like i am the only one with problems. everyone has their own stuff and their own pain. and ours in no more important or special). i know now that no one is safe from cancer. or pain. or death. or joy. or life. or love. we get it all. the good with the bad. but the good is that much sweeter after the bad. someone i love dearly recently said (in so many words)...that is great and all. how if we go through pain we come out stronger. or learn something huge. and everything is different. but i would rather not have any of that. the bad and the scary. i would like to just avoid that part of life. sadly we cannot. but tonight as i was crying on my way to target i was so overwhelmed with the fact that God knew all this was coming. all of it. He was preparing me for something big. and justin too. something that would change everything for the rest of our lives. and i feel like i say that a lot. but as i think about my future i am looking forward to living out those changes. and experiencing a life that is different than maybe i thought it would be. better than i thought. and since we did not see this coming. i feel a bit more prepared that we may have a lot more coming our way that we think we are not ready for. but i am not scared. i am ready. well i think i am ready. maybe not too much. since cancer has been a big one. but cancer has not caused me to fear the future. and worry about what may or may not happen. instead i feel like i trust God more. because He is carrying us through cancer. He can carry us through anything. and that brings me comfort.

Friday, January 7, 2011

for ava. from angie.

a birthday video for ava from her "aunt" angie. 
i told you ava that people love you. 

our little girl is one.

honestly i can not believe it. our little ava is one. and ava...i have not even begun this post and i am already crying.  even though we were a bit surprised when we found out you were growing in my belly. the lord was way ahead of us. because i am not sure i would have been able to keep myself together through this season of life without you. really sweet ava. its true. i think about this a lot. how easy it would be to just sleep and read and stay inside when i was sad or sick. but because of you no matter what i had to get up. i had to keep moving. take care of you. feed you. play with you. read to you. teach you. rock you. bathe you. and kiss you. and kiss you. and kiss you some more. thanks for being so flexible. and easy. and fun. and how you scrunch your face sometimes. and smile with your six little teeth showing. and how you come to me when you are sad or hurt or scared or you want to cuddle. you have been the greatest gift in my cancer. well besides your dad. but its about you today. and i love you so much that my heart aches. it literally aches over you. 

you decided to arrive a few days late. and although it was so hard for us to wait and wait...we knew you would come when you were ready. and girl you were ready. i labored through the night and before we knew it my contractions were only one-two minutes apart. so we got ready and daddy packed the car and we were on our way. and when we got to the hospital you arrived a few hours later. it was calm (after i got the epidural). we turned on the ipod and daddy and i talked. all about you. and what you would look like. and how you would act. there were so many unknowns. but we knew that you would be coming into a family that was full of lots of love. see your dad and i love each other a lot. like a lot a lot. but when you came into this changed everything. in the best possible way. thank you for teaching me how to love in a new way. a deeper way. and we became a little team you and i. we did everything together. and although i wish cancer was not a part of our story. it is. and we can not change it. but you will not even remember this time in your life. but i will. and my sweet little helped me through this. so thank you sweet baby.

ava's first birthday party. in louisville, kentucky. 1.1.2011

party favors.

gelato. your cousin isabella's favorite.

your cake. but you could not actually eat since it had eggs. but we got you a special one.

you kept that flower on your head for most of the party. nice job little one.
sweet lexington friends. 

cousin drake and aunt becky. (sorry allison the one of you and i was not that cute)
and sara we did not even get one taken. sad.

you devoured that cake. nice work.

your little scrunch face. love it.

opening presents. and i seem way more excited than you.

nope i am way way more excited in this one.

your sweet little cake.

you loved it.

little ella. your favorite girl cousin. oh, i hope more than anything that you two are close.
 even states away. you will love each other dearly.

momma and ava.

ella and wadey eating some gelato.
i love you ava. you and me. we make a good little team.
sweet ava. not only do your mommy and daddy love you more than they know how to express. but you have so many people who love you. your family all over the country. your friends in va, ky, mi, many other places.  you are so special to so many people. and we hope that not a day goes by where you do not feel that love deep inside you. thank you for the joy you bring to our lives and so many others. you really have been the greatest gift to our family. we love you ava.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

no chemo. well not for today at least.

because my doctor is wonderful. yes he is. i emailed him real early this morning after being up with ava about five times last night. and asked if we could move my treatment to tomorrow or early next week. and he said yes. i am so thankful. i was so anxious last night because justin is horribly sick and i thought ava was getting it too. but at this point this morning she seems better. no fever. and even ate a little cereal. so we are upstairs "playing." me on the couch because i am so tired and she is on the floor playing with some of her birthday gifts. justin is in bed and we are keeping this place clean. lots of lysol. and i am even wearing a mask. i do not want to get whatever he has. so please pray for our family. but for today we are all going to rest and fight this nasty little bug.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

a sneak peek.

she loved her little cake.

the adorable food table.

our family.


kentucky was a nice break. it was full of kids playing (and hiding behind drapes), talking, shopping, gift giving, eating, our sweet ava's first birthday party, panera mornings, red robin turkey burgers at night. some of my favorite things. and all that was good. but what was really good was being able to spend time with people you love. some people i love the most in the world. and to just be together. not email. or text. or skype. or the phone. but live and in person. and its never quite long enough.

it was good to travel and feel normal. honestly i did not feel like i had cancer at all. and that is such a gift and i can not even express as tears roll down my face. but it was nice. real nice. i only thought about cancer when i was too tired to stay up late with everyone, because i hate missing anything. and that i constantly wear a hat now. its funny to me that i wear hat. and its annoying too. but it is what it is. and its better than bald i guess. my little hats with my thin little hair poking through the bottom. but its me. even when i do not feel like me. its still me and my family and friends reminded me of that this weekend. so thank you.

ava's party was perfect. seriously. i will try and get pictures posted on her birthday. so be looking on friday. she honestly was so sweet. she kept that huge flower on her head for most of the night. and she devoured her (no egg) birthday cake. the decorations were precious. i went and took a little nap before the big party and to my surprise the entire upstairs had been transformed. and it was a sight. thank you to all who made it possible (specially tommy and sara). it was important to celebrate ava. she has had quite the year for such a little person.

but now we are home. and it was cleaned when we arrived, thank you barbara. but within minutes it was covered with suitcases and dirty laundry. i hate to unpack. and i woke up to ava with a 102 fever so we headed to the doctor. she is fine as far as they can tell. and if you read this blog will you please pray specifically that ava does not get sick and/or me and/or justin. thank you. we would rather not be sick. so us girls came home and took a 2.5 hour nap. yay. and then i headed to the doctor too. got a shot. and now back in bed. ava is sleeping too. and its back to reality. and man i am so over it. i am so over cancer. i just had a little glimpse of what life is like without cancer while in kentucky. and i liked it. but now we gear up for number 10. and sometimes i have a hard time gearing up for it. but i will. because that is what we do. i feel like i just had chemo. time flies. please pray that this round is not that bad.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

we are back.

this will be short. but since there is a new header i thought i better post a little something. but i am real tired. more like exhausted. but kentucky was special. it was great. it was refreshing. it was nice to get away. more details about the trip to come tomorrow. and thanks to those of you that were concerned about the ryder family since we had not blogged. but we are okay. more than okay. just a little busy living...

but we made it home. we are safe and sound. and ava was meant to travel. she did wonderful.

i started unpacking a little tonight. but got to overwhelmed so now i am in bed with a bowl with a cereal and my mac. but i am so bummed. i unzipped a pocket of our suitcase to find that our brand new. just opened. box of formula had tipped over. gone. twenty three dollars down the drain. and i can not stop thinking about it either. but that's life.

and its almost time for number ten. typing that made me smile. in about a month we will be done with chemo. the end is near. goodnight.