the past few days i have been feeling good. pretty much like myself. but i am so exhausted. but its strange because its not like i always need to sleep. its like i do not have the energy to real be present with people. and invest in people. and really be available. and be like myself. that is hard for me. thankful that i do feel good. just hard that i feel like this. not one hundred percent. i realize its normal. and its part of the deal with cancer. its just difficult to accept the fact that i can not live my life at the pace i am used to. it many ways its a gift. and i am thankful for it. but other times i am secretly annoyed with myself. i for sure have an internal battle going on. i went out for dinner on thursday with four girls that mean a lot me. i have not spent time with them in a while and i was so thankful the last minute dinner plans came together so well. but as i thought about that night with them i thought a lot about how i acted. and how different i felt. i guess i am different. not in a bad way. i sometimes feel distracted when ava is with me because i could not ask them all about their lives. and how they are doing. and what's hard in their lives. and what is joyful. and how they are growing in christ. and what is new with school, friends, and boys. i just sometimes feel "off." mostly i just feel less engaged and i hate it because that is not my heart. its not a reflection of who i am and how much i love them. but maybe for right now that is okay? or maybe its not. i am not sure. but either way it is what it is. and life is about seasons i think. and this season just looks a little different for me. that's all.
enjoy the party sweet ella. have a berry good time! baby ava loves you.