Monday, August 9, 2010

my darling ava.

i know i am blogging twice today. i used to think people who blogged had no lives. sorry for thinking that. i no longer feel that way. i promise. but this is my journal and we want to share it with you. but i have to write.

about three hours ago i asked my mom if she would play with ava, do some laundry, and put ava to bed for me. i was tired and wanted to lay down. well instead of sleeping i laid in my bed (my most favorite place) and cried, read blogs, read emails, thought, prayed, missed my husband (he was out running errands), and cried more. i get sad the most when i am alone. at 7:30pm i decided to get up because i missed ava and wanted to play with her in bed with me. she started getting fussy, so i made her a bottle, and put her pjs on. as i was getting her ready i started crying. crying because i never want to miss one night of putting her to bed again. bedtime is such a precious time. we sat in her glider and cuddled up and she drank her sucky formula. for the past few months whenever i nursed ava she would reach up and touch my face with one her hands. she would just stroke my face back and forth and back and forth. i have missed that. well tonight when i was helping her hold her bottle, she reached up with one hand and put it around my neck and played with my hair. i love when people play with my hair and tonight my sweet ava did it and i wept. she held on so tight. just her and i. i promised her that even though you may have more babysitters in the next few months than i would maybe like, i will always put you to bed. even when i am sick and i am tired, i will put you to bed (unless your daddy really wants to). i fell even more in love with my ava tonight.

these past two weeks have sure slowed the ryder family down. we did not mean to it just happened naturally. we were sorta forced to. but its been so refreshing. i never have plans. i have never had that before. my only real obligations are going to doctors appointments, but other than that nothing. i know this time will pass. it has too. justin will go back to work. i will begin to get back into my usual routine and be ready to see more people...i am sorry it is just still very hard for me. please do not feel abandoned. you know who you are...but we are still here, we are just taking a little break while we figure this whole thing out. but this time as been a gift. as i sat and rocked ava to sleep i was not distracted by anything. i have never experienced this before and the newness in it is perfect. i feel peaceful. for tonight i feel peaceful.

15 comments:

  1. Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
    Pslams 127:3

    bless you and your baby girl.

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  2. I had to laugh when I read what you said about people who blog; I think people think that about me if I blog more than once a day but for me, it has become my outlet. I'm trying hard to limit myself and but I understand how a blog can be a way to get out what you want to say; to give you a voice, to give you a sense of ownership in a way. I want to encourage you with the bottle feeding - I know you don't want to have to bottle feed, but you will get some of those same wonderful bonding moments - like you did tonight. My son, who is 7 months, always reaches out and touches my face while he drinks his bottle, he loves to have me "bite" his fingers (he sticks them in my mouth), I love to watch his eyes smile as I look into his eyes and sometimes, I laugh as that formula dribbles out of the corner of his mouth because he smiles back. I can read in your post how much you adore your sweet baby and that is all that really matters. Thank you for sharing your heart, your soul, yourself. I will continue to pray for you daily.

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  3. Praying you continue to feel the Lord's peace rest upon you tonight and when you find out the test results tomorrow.

    I love you Lib and I haven't stopped praying.

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  4. this made me really happy inside :). love you and have been checking all day for the news. praying for you constantly!

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  5. drake & i are off to bed...to awake on the day we get to come and visit the most special family in VA...can't wait to give you a real hug...cyber hugs aren't near as fun...sleep well my sister! xoxo becky

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  6. Libby, My grandson sure knew what he was doing when he chose such a beautiful wife, inside and out. How loving of you to share your feelings with us. You need this private time now. No one will ever feel abondoned because you are all three in our hearts and prayers. And you will remain there. Kiss that sweet baby for me. My love to you Grandma Ryder

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  7. you feel peaceful, I feel peaceful (of course, I still need my lfo, though)
    such a sweet bond between baby and mama....my children look at me like no one ever has. it lights me up inside.
    you are such a good mother. i always knew you would be.
    love you. will pray hard for early morning, good results. g'night.

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  8. Goodnight Libby...rest well

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  9. This made me cry happy tears - "well tonight when i was helping her hold her bottle, she reached up with one hand and put it around my neck and played with my hair."

    I hope you are able to put your daughter to bed EVERY night for as long as she lives with you :) Hang in there!

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  10. Hi Libby,

    Krystal told me that you sent her a text. She's found my posting so I'm officially on the hook to do as promised! Honestly, Krystal has been what I counted on for the last ten years - and even though she is exceptional - Christ is more so by a great deal. I see Christ alive in her and I hear it alive in you. I flew to the East Coast today from Seattle and I found myself with tears for you several times. You are doing something really amazing - you are taking people like me that have gotten apathetic about Christ and bringing us back in. While it's a shame that it took this for me to wake up - thank you and the Lord that I'm awake again.

    While my life is hard right now, I know that I can count on Him and you reminded me of that. I'd like you to feel great that you made something exceptional happen for Krystal's Dad. I needed it. Thanks to you and your husband for the valueable role you've played in her life - and now mine. K is amazing - she never loses faith in me and still steers me in the right direction. I thought I was supposed to do that for her - but that's not been the case. I'm anxious to get to my bible where K made notes for me. She knows I'm impatient. Who else would do that?

    My best regards,

    Brad

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  11. Keep the faith and my prayers, ((HUGS)) and <3 love are with you and your sweet family!!

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  12. Libby, you have nothing to apologize for. You need this time for yourself and your family and to pray, like the rest of us are doing for you. I'm always glad to read your blogs and thankful that you have that outlet and that you are willing to share with us. Hold Sweet Ava closely, she certainly is good medicine for you.

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  13. I was just thinking of how Ava is unaware of all that is going on in your body. She doesn't see cancer. She looks at you and sees love.

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  14. I prayed you had a peaceful night and I hope that you did. You all are in my thoughts and prayers; I pray a wonderful day awaits you. Love all 3 of you, Shirl

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  15. When I read this I thought about how blessed Ava is to have you, and how much enjoyment and encouragement she will get out of reading this one day. I am praying for you and Justin and Ava, stay strong, God is watching over you.

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